


Bound

by Ava_now



Series: Barisi Dads AU [18]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Light Dom/sub, Loving Marriage, Loving friendships, M/M, Nightmares, Oral Sex, Original Character Death(s), Psychological Trauma, Suicide, a little bit of gore in nightmares, adult therapy, child play therapy, family support, fluffy kid and dad times, loving parenting, nightmare death of character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:01:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 34,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25175791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now
Summary: It was a typical day for the Barba-Carisi family, until it wasn't.Rafael and Marlene experience a trauma that changes them both, and Sonny struggles to know how to best support them.  For better or worse, they are bound together and currently bound to the memory of an event that overtakes everything in their lives.****TW--suicide
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: Barisi Dads AU [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1541101
Comments: 94
Kudos: 92





	1. That Morning

**Author's Note:**

> This fic deals with the subject of suicide. Please take whatever precautions you need to ensure you are safe when reading this fic. 
> 
> This fic is a multichapter work and I'm planning to post one chapter per day. Most of this fic is written, but I will update tags as needed as I continue to write and edit.
> 
> In this first chapter, the characters are in two separate areas of Barba's workplace. The first is indicated by italics; the second is when the type goes back to regular font. I hope it's clear those are happening simultaneously.
> 
> As always, your comments mean very much to me. I absolutely LOVE reading them and chatting with you! If you ever want or need to leave me a comment that you'd prefer not be public, please feel free to DM me on twitter under the same name.
> 
> If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800-273-8255). You are worth it.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading.

“Okay, do you remember what comes next?” Sonny asked Marlene as they were making her favorite, blueberry pancakes. Preschool was closed for the day, and Sonny had planned to spend it with his little lady. It had been forever, it seemed, since he’d had the chance to have a daddy-daughter day and he had missed it. He truly loved spending time with his little girl.

She clapped her hands excitedly. “The blueberries!” she exclaimed, laughing. “We mix them in with a spoon so they don’t get too mushy, wight Daddy?”

He nodded. “Mmhmm. That’s right! Go ahead and be gentle with ‘em.”

He watched as she poured in the blueberries they had carefully washed, and began to stir them into the batter. “That’s good work there, Marley Mae! Okay, ready to put the batter into the pan?” With her nod, he poured four cakes’ worth of batter into the skillet. “You gonna watch for the bubbles?” he asked her, and she nodded again, grinning. “Hey Papi,” Sonny greeted as Rafael shuffled into the kitchen looking for coffee. On his own, Rafael loved to sleep in. He was in sleep pants and a robe, and his face was unshaven. He leaned over and rubbed his stubble against Sonny’s cheek, then kissed him.

“Hola,” he mumbled, then kissed Marlene on her cheek before heading to the coffee maker. “Oh thank God. Sonny, have I mentioned how much I love you lately?” Pouring himself a large mug full, he was still drinking when Sonny answered him.

“Not enough,” Sonny teased, handing the spatula to Marlene. “There you go,” he said, nodding toward the skillet. “Flip.”

Marley carefully flipped the cakes in the pan. “Hey Papi, are you gonna stay home too today with us? Daddy and me are gonna have so much fun!”

“Mmm,” Rafael responded, sliding into a chair at the table and drinking more coffee. “I have a meeting at eleven with Mr. Buchanan, so sadly, I will have to leave you in a little bit. But you and Daddy will have a great day together.”

“Yes we will!” Marlene confirmed happily, and Rafael smiled at her enthusiasm. Standing up, he headed toward the bedroom to get ready for the day.

Sonny and Marlene finished cooking a few rounds of pancakes, then got the table ready to eat. Once they finally sat down, Sonny’s own stomach was growling and he grabbed three pancakes from the stack for himself. “How many for you, my little sous chef?” he asked.

“Five,” she told him.

“Fantastic! Two sounds perfect for you,” he replied, dumping two on her plate as she giggled. They buttered their cakes and he supervised her cutting and tearing her cakes up, then pouring the syrup.

“Prayer,” she reminded him, and when he looked at her she shrugged. “I wanna tell God thank you for my daddy makin’ pantakes and us havin’ a daddy daughter day!”

“Okay,” he agreed, “then you say it.”

“Otay.” She grabbed his hand and closed her eyes. “Good mornin’ Jesus! Thank you for all the wove you give us. Thank you for our pantakes and thank you sooooo much for daddy daughter days! And dear Jesus, thank you also for Papi ‘tause we wove him so much too! Please bless all the people in the whole world. Amen.”

“Well that was very nice,” Sonny told her as they began to eat. “You are good at saying prayers.”

She shrugged. “I just wearned ‘tause I wisten to you, Daddy.” His phone suddenly rang, and she tapped it with her syrupy knife. “You’re wingin’.”

Sonny made a face as he picked it up. “Amanda, hey…”

Rafael came back into the kitchen and refilled his coffee cup, then grabbed a pancake off the top of the stack and took a bite.

“You’re s’posed to use a plate, Papi,” Marley admonished him, and he shrugged and rolled the pancake up, then dipped it into the syrup on her plate. “Hey!” she objected as Sonny hung up the phone.

“Like you don’t eat off every plate I ever make,” Rafael told her, dipping one more time.

“But I’m a wittle girl, Papi...you’re s’posed to share with me!” She watched him take a bite.

“Bad news, guys,” Sonny interrupted. Turning toward Marley, he said, “Dolly, there’s an emergency. Poor little Billie is throwing up and Auntie Amanda needs to take her to the doctor.”

“Oh no,” Rafael moaned quietly, knowing where this was going.

“Poor Billie!” Marley said. “Does Auntie ‘Manda need our help? Does she need Jesse to tome with us?”

“No, baby.” Sonny met Rafael’s eyes before sighing heavily. “Daddy has to go to work so that Auntie Amanda can leave work and take the baby to the doctor.”

“You do?” He watched as she tried valiantly to keep herself from crying. “Tan I go with you, Daddy? I’ll be good. I’ll listen to everything you say and I’ll try to do it all! On the very first ask, too! Please?”

“No baby,” he told her gently. “I wish you could, but Daddy’s job today isn’t one that is safe for kids to do. I have to go to strangers’ houses today and kids can’t come to that.”

“I know,” she sniffled. “I just weally wanted a daddy-daughter day.”

“Well guess what, mija?” Rafael leaned in, trying to make himself sound interesting. “You CAN go with Papi to work! We’ll go for a little while for my meeting, and if Daddy isn’t done by then, you and I will have a Papi-daughter day! How’s that sound?”

She sniffled again. “Otay, I guess. I just weally wanted my daddy. You an’ me have a lot of days, Papi.”

Rafael tried not to take offense, despite the fact he immediately felt rejected by his daughter. Sonny rose from the table, putting his dishes in the sink and then going to get ready. “Well, finish your pancake, and then go get ready, because we need to leave soon,” Rafael told Marlene. She took one more bite and then stood to put her plate in the sink.

Rafael was putting things in his briefcase when Sonny came into the front room and grabbed his keys. “I’m sorry, babe. I know neither of you are thrilled. You could just reschedule your meeting, right? You and Marley could have a real father daughter day and go do something fun!”

Rafael snorted. “I don’t think she’s going to care. She wants you.”

Sonny wrapped his arms around his husband. “Because I haven’t been around lately. You’re the one she’s closest to right now. Personally, I think you should cancel the meeting. Buchanan’s done it to you twice now. Plus, you know we’ve both agreed…”

“That it’s better not to take her to work if we can avoid it, yes, I know.” He nodded. “Go ahead and go. I’ll take her to do something fun. We’ll be fine.”

Sonny leaned forward and kissed him gently. “I love you, Papi,” he teased, then called his daughter. When she ran into the room, he kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you later. Be good for Papi, okay? You guys are gonna do something fun.”

“Otay,” Marlene said, but she didn’t sound enthused. “Bye Daddy. I wove you.”

The door shut behind him, and Rafael turned to Marlene. “Go get your shoes on, mija. Hopefully this meeting will be short, and then we’ll do something fun. Sound good?”

“Not weally good,” he heard her mumble, but chose not to respond. He couldn’t exactly argue, when it didn’t sound good to him either. 

“Wait,” he called to her, and she stopped and turned around.

“What if we pick you up a new set of markers and a pad of paper on the way, so you have something fun to do?” he asked. He knew she’d been running low on art supplies anyway.

She perked up. “Weally, Papi? That sounds awesome! Wet me get my shoes and we tan go!”

He watched her skip down the hall to grab her shoes, and sighed. Maybe this would be easier than he thought.

***

“Hey, Tarmen!” Marley skipped from her papi to his paralegal at her desk. “I wike your pretty hair!”

“Thanks, Marley!” Carmen replied, reaching into her desk. “I didn’t know you were coming to work today.” She glanced up at her boss, who had a comical forced smile on his face.

“I was s’posed to stay with my daddy this mornin’ tause stool’s out but he gotted to go in to work after all for a wittle while ‘tause Auntie ‘Manda gotta take Billie to the doctor ‘tause she throwed up everywheres so Papi said I tan tome here with him until he finishes his meeting with Mistuh Boo-tanon. Wight Papi?” She turned to Rafael, and he nodded, eyes wide with that same forced smile on his face, and Carmen laughed.

Turning to Carmen, he said, “I really apologize. Is there a way you can just keep an eye on her while I meet with him? I’m hoping it’ll be an hour, maximum.”

Carmen smiled and held her hand out toward Marley, slipping her a reese’s cup. “I charge a pretty hefty gift around the holidays,” she teased. “By the way, Mr. Buchanan called to say he would be fifteen minutes late. You’re reserved for the conference room next door at ten.”

“I WOVE me some weece’s!” Marlene exclaimed, following her father into his office. “Does Tarmen ever give YOU weece’s, Papi?”

“Only when I’m having a really bad day,” he told her, before sticking his head back in the doorway. “I may need one of those today.”

Carmen held up a double pack. “Gotcha covered, boss.”

“Is it otay if I sit at your desk, Papi?” Marlene was standing next to his chair, and he nodded to her, then reached over to pull some things off of the desk. “Aww...you got a tute wittle picture of me an’ Daddy here! Aww, you wove us so much, don’tcha, Papi?” She leaned over and picked up the picture, smiling.

“Yes I do,” he answered. “It’s fine for you to work here, but don’t go in the drawers, and don’t draw on the desk or my papers, okay princesa?” He pulled up a variety of items and moved them to a nearby shelf. She watched him closely, then pulled her backpack into her lap and set up her new paper and markers. “See, Papi? I gonna be an ADA just wike you!” She uncapped a marker and began to “write” on her paper in scribbly lines. “All bad guys have conseh-kensus,” she read out loud, and he couldn’t help but smile. She continued her writing. “Bad guys got to have time outs in jail. No arguments, wight, Papi?” She looked up to realize he’d stepped out of his office, and was standing near Carmen’s desk.

“Mr. Buchanan,” Rafael reached out and shook John Buchanan’s hand. “We will be meeting in the conference room next door.”

Buchanan shook his hand. “Ah, of course. My client and his wife will be here any minute. I hope you’re open for a decent offer today, Mr. Barba. We won’t accept anything less than fair.”

Barba smirked. Nothing made him feel more satisfied than getting one up on John Buchanan. “Well then, we’re on the same page for once, because I won’t accept anything less than fair for the people, either.”

“Hey Mistuh Boo-tanon, wemember me?” Marlene ran up to her father and stood next to him. “I’m the one who gotted your doggy Pru!”

“I do remember you, Marlene!” John Buchanon held his hand out to her, shaking hers. “And just how is Miss Juris Prudence doing with you? Are you making sure your papi feeds her?”

Marlene nodded. “Yeah! And we take her for wots of walks! And she’s a big tuddler, Daddy says. An’ Papi gave her tuddles when he missed Daddy.”

Rafael felt his cheeks turn hot. “Okay Marley, go on back and color, honey. We’re going to start our meeting now.”

“Otay Papi. Bye Mistuh Boo-tanon!” Marley made her way back into her father’s office, and Rafael shook his head.

“Don’t worry about it,” Buchanan chuckled, elbowing him. “When mine was that age, she walked in on me and the wife one night, and proceeded to tell everyone with ears what she had seen for the next month.” He shook his head. “No such thing as privacy with kids around! Ah, here he is!” he said, nodding toward a man walking down the hall toward them.

“I thought you said his wife was coming with him,” Rafael remarked, leading them toward the conference room.

“She was supposed to be,” Buchanan said, then suddenly grabbed Barba’s arm. 

Rafael turned his attention to Buchanan, then, feeling his grip tighten, toward Buchanan’s client, and sucked in his own breath. The only thought he had in that moment was his four-year old daughter, just feet away. “Carmen,” he said as calmly as he could, hoping he had caught her attention.

“I’ve got it, Mr. Barba,” she said calmly, then stood and went to his office door, quickly closing and locking it before returning to her chair and reaching under her desk to press the emergency button.

Buchanan had stepped in front of Rafael, toward his client. “Jim,” he said, voice shaking, “let’s put the gun down. Whatever has happened, we can talk it out if you put the gun down. Mr. Barba is here to do just that, right, Mr. Barba?” he turned toward Rafael, eyes shooting desperately from his client to the prosecutor.

“Shut up, just everybody, shut up,” Jim said bitterly, and he waved the gun around recklessly. “My life is over. I know it. I came here because of it.” He wiped one blood-stained arm of his shirt over his face to dry his tears. Turning to Rafael, he said, “There’s not going to be any plea deal today, counselor. There’s no way you’d give me anything now that would get me out before my life was over anyway.” Looking past them, he nodded at Carmen. “Who’s she?”

“That’s Mr. Barba’s secretary,” John said. “Why don’t you let her go...at least into his office, where she’s safe? The three of us can finish talking--”

“GO!” he shouted, and Carmen jumped up, grabbing her keys and unlocking Barba’s door.  __

**_Inside Barba’s office:_ **

_ She jumped inside, shut it, and locked it. Marley looked up from the desk, seemingly oblivious to everything going on. _

_ “What’s wrong, Tarmen?” she asked, and Carmen hurried over to the desk. _

_ “Honey, I know this is weird, but I need you to get under the desk. We’re going to play a little game, okay? We’re going to hide under the desk!” _

_ “From Papi?” she asked, looking conflicted. “He doesn’t like it when I hide from him. I hided once in the dryer at home and he gotted weally, weally upset with me.” _

_ “It’s okay this time, honey.” Carmen climbed under the desk, reached up, and pulled Marley down with her. “I’ll tell Papi it was all my idea if he’s upset, okay? Now we have to be very quiet while we’re here. Can you whisper and tell me about your picture?” _

_ “You hitted my elbow, Tarmen,” Marley whined, rubbing her arm. “I don’t wike this game. I don’t wanna play no more, otay? Is my papi done yet? I think I don’t wanna hide from him. I wanna get up now.” _

_ Before she could say another word, a shot rang out, loud and echoing, directly outside the office door. Carmen felt her heart jump into her throat as Marlene literally jumped in her lap, then began to cry. “I want my papi!” the little girl wailed. “I need my papi! I need him. PAPI!”  _

_ “It’s okay, honey, it’s okay!” Carmen tried to soothe Marlene, but the little girl fought with all her might against her. “Marley, honey, please...please stop…” Despite Carmen’s pleadings, Marlene finally managed to wriggle out from her grasp, scrambling out from under the desk and the chair. She stood up and ran to the door as Carmen chased after her. “Marlene!” she gasped as the little girl struggled desperately to open the door. “Papi! Papi!” Marlene’s wails quickly turned to frantic screams as Carmen tried to pry her hands off the doorknob. “Papi! Por favor, Papi!!! Ayuadame, Papi! Por favor!” (Papi! Please, Papi! Help me, Papi! Please!) Carmen desperately tried to quiet her. “Shush, Marley, please honey! Hush! Papi wants you safe!” _

**_In the hallway:_ **

Seeing Carmen enter his office, he took a deep breath. The man didn’t want to kill just anyone. Carmen was in there with his daughter, and they would be okay. He trusted Carmen implicitly and knew she would keep Marlene safe. “Jim,” John said again, and Rafael turned his attention back to the man with the gun. “Just put it down. It’s okay.”

“Shut up!” Jim yelled again. “Just listen! Tara--I’ve loved her my whole life! I gave up everything for her. I thought we’d be together forever. But she left me because of this.” Looking at Rafael, he sobbed, “I never raped her. I wouldn’t. Maybe she said no and I didn’t hear it. Maybe she never said it, I don’t know, but I wouldn’t hurt my wife like that. I loved her.” Shaking, he continued. “I got home for lunch to surprise her, and she was leaving me. Packing. I tried to talk her out of it, I did...I loved her more than anything. And now I’m gonna be with her again--”

The gunshot seemed to reverberate, unending, but all Rafael knew was to get to that door.

His hands were shaking horribly and he could hear his little girl, terrified, screaming for him on the other side. “Papi! Por favor, Papi!” He’d never heard such fear in her voice before. Suddenly the lock gave way and the door swung open; he scooped her up in his arms and took long strides toward the back of his office saying, “Don’t look out there, don’t look, mija. I’ve got you. You’re okay, princesa, Papi’s right here. I’m right here.” He felt her little body slowly collapse against him in sobs, and he held her even tighter.


	2. The PM Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fallout.
> 
> ****
> 
> TW--emotional/psychological pain and discussion of suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and thank you for reading!
> 
> This chapter deals with the hours directly following. It's rather emotional as you would expect, and was emotional for me to write. The next chapter will be Sonny caring for Rafael into the night.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always terrific and very welcome! I love to know what you're thinking when you read my fics, and feedback actually does help me plan what and how to write in the future.
> 
> Enjoy!

“Okay, mija, here we go.” Rafael unlocked the door to their apartment and carried Marley inside. She was snuggled against him, arms wrapped tightly around his neck and head on his shoulder. He could hear the soft sound of her sucking her thumb, and he wondered if it was for comfort or from exhaustion, because he suddenly felt as though he hadn’t slept in days. He locked the door behind them and carefully lowered himself to the couch. “I’m gonna put you here while I go change, okay, honey?” Rafael said as Marley moved onto the couch. “I’ll be right back.”

“No Papi!” she quickly replied, and before he could react, she’d thrown her arms around him again. “I’ll go with you. I tan shut my eyes while you change so you get private time, otay?”

“Honey, I’ll be right back. I’m just down the hall, okay? It’s okay.” He tried to move her arms off of him.

She shook her head and started to cry again, then looked up at him. “Please Papi? Please?”

The desperation in her voice hit him, hard, and impulsively he pulled her back into his arms. “Okay. Of course. Come on, let’s go back to my room and I’m going to get out of my suit. Then we’ll make some lunch, okay?”

She settled back against him, head on his shoulder again. “Thank you, Papi. I love you, Papi. You’re my very bestest papi in the whole world. I never gonna let you go, Papi. You are the very bestest papi ever.”

He felt his own eyes tearing up again as he hugged her tightly, and he shoved the thoughts of what could have happened out of his head. “Can I put you on the bed, mija, so I can change?” he asked, unsure if she’d be able to even let him go that long. “Look, here’s Pru. She followed us.” He nodded toward the little pug on the floor, hoping it would distract Marley enough to make her comfortable.

“Hi Pru.” She looked over his shoulder for a moment, then back at him, and he leaned forward and pressed a long kiss to her forehead, then set her on the bed. Pru quickly climbed up the pet steps to join her favorite person, and Rafael thanked God once again for that dog.

He dug through his drawers and pulled out a pair of sweats and a tee shirt. “I’m going in the closet to hang up my suit,” he explained, “but I’m right here, okay?”

“Uh-huh. I seed you, Papi.” Her thumb popped back into her mouth as her other hand stroked the top of Pru’s head, and she watched him as he took off his suit and tossed it in his dry cleaning bag. He knew by instinct there had to be blood on it, whether he could see it or not, and he suddenly realized he might have blood elsewhere on him. He felt his breath grow labored and his head get dizzy for a second. He braced himself against the wall and tried to count his breathing. “Papi? Are you otay?” he heard.

He exhaled slowly. He was okay. He had to be, for Marlene. “Si bebita. Estoy bien,” (Yes baby, I’m fine)he answered her, then slowly pulled his sweats on, followed by his tee shirt. Stepping out of the closet, he smiled at her, then went into the bathroom, leaving the door open, and looked in the mirror in search of blood.

His eyes were swollen and slightly bloodshot. He didn’t think he had cried that much or that hard, but maybe he had. He didn’t see any blood initially on his face, so he turned it side to side to inspect more closely. He saw a few flecks on the side and a bit on his ear. He wondered if there was any in his hair. There was no way he’d get away with taking a shower right now.

“Hi Papi.” Marley wandered into the bathroom and sat down on the toilet. “Whatcha doin’?”

“Ah, I’m just washing my face. That’s all.” He grabbed a washcloth and ran it under the warm water, then began to wipe his face and his ear. He then ran it through his hair on the right side of his head--the side closest to where Jim had been standing.

“Do you gotted some blood on you?” she asked, and when he glanced at her, he could see she was studying him and the washcloth very carefully.

He hadn’t explained anything to her yet. He didn’t know how much she knew and understood of what happened. But he did know she was a smart cookie, and that she had been terrified, and she knew that he had been terrified. And they’d have to talk about it soon.

“It looks like I do,” he said. “Just a little though.” He showed her the washcloth, with a few brown streaks of blood. “I’m okay.”

The cops had seemed to arrive within seconds of the gun being fired, and immediately taken control of the scene. He, Buchanan, and Carmen had stayed for roughly an hour longer, answering their questions, before they had been told to leave for the day and not come back. Marlene had been hanging onto him throughout the interview, and for once he had nowhere else to put her, nobody who could protect her, so he held her in his lap the entire time as she sat quietly, head resting on his shoulder and thumb in her mouth. But he had no doubt that she heard every word that was uttered; the only question was how much did she  _ understand. _

“Is that blood from the dead guy?” she asked.

He tossed the washcloth into the hamper. “Yes, it is.” He took a step toward her and held his arms out, and she reached for him so he could pick her up again. He carried her out, into the kitchen, and sat them both at the table. Pru trotted along with them before settling by his feet. “Princesa,” he began, taking one of her hands in his, “do you know what happened at my office today? Do you have questions?”

She nodded. “Somebody gotted hurt. Did Mistuh Boo-tanon hurt that guy?”

“No, honey,” he said, deciding as he spoke to be as honest as he could. “No, the man who was coming to meet us hurt himself.”

“With a gun, wight? That big bang was a gun, wight Papi?”

He nodded. “Yes it was.”

Marlene's expression changed to one of confusion. “But Papi, why’d that guy hurt himself?”

Rafael sighed. “I’m not completely sure, honey. From what he said to me and Mr. Buchanan, it sounded like he had made some mistakes and was very upset about them. He had hurt other people he loved and was very sad and angry that he had done that.”

“He telled you all that stuff?” She looked surprised. “Did you tell him it was otay and you’d help fix his problem? You always help me when I gotted a problem I need to fix.”

“It wasn’t that easy, honey. He had a gun and I was afraid he might hurt someone--”

She nodded again, and he watched her eyes brim with tears once more. “Papi,” she said softly, “Papi, my brain telled me he might hurt you and I was very, very stared.” She sniffled, and he watched a shudder pass through her entire little body. “I heard the gun go bang and my brain telled me that man was gonna shoot you dead.” She burst into tears, and he immediately pulled her into his lap, holding her close. “I tried to get you, to save you, but Tarmen wouldn’t wet me go...I just wanted to get you, Papi.”

“It’s okay, princesa. It’s okay,” he soothed. “He didn’t shoot me. He wasn’t going to shoot me. Do you want to know something? Papi was afraid you might get hurt. We were both scared for each other, huh? But we are both okay. We are both safe and sound at home, huh? We’re just fine.” He knew he was rambling, but with each phrase came a little more comfort, so he kept saying them until he couldn’t come up with any more.

***

He opened his eyes and blinked. Marley was still curled up against him in his bed and Pru was at his feet. Once Marlene had started crying, he had stopped talking. He figured that was his cue that she’d had enough information for right now. Marley didn’t want lunch and she wouldn’t let go of him. To be honest, he didn’t want to let go of her either. He’d picked her up and carried her into his bedroom, and let her choose what they’d watch. She’d shrugged, then wrapped her little arms back around him as soon as he was on the bed. He’d ended up turning on Scooby Doo, and they both were dozing now.

His phone buzzed and he picked it up.

“Hey,” he heard Sonny’s voice sounding a little frantic. “I just heard what happened at your office this morning. You okay? How’s Marley?”

Sonny. He’d forgotten to call Sonny, dammit. “Physically, yes. Emotionally and psychologically? No,” Rafael told him honestly. “I’m not and neither is she. I know you’re probably unhappy with me right now, that I took her when I could have cancelled that meeting, but if you can, hold off on blaming me for a little while? I’m still way too busy blaming myself here.”

The phone went quiet for a few seconds, then Rafael heard his husband give a long sigh. “I love you, baby. You and Marley are okay and that’s all that matters right now. I’ll be home today as soon as I can get there.”

“Okay. We’ll see you when you get here. And I love you!” he squeezed in, before saying goodbye and hanging up. Rafael felt the tears slide down his cheeks. How he could have been so foolish as to take this child to work with him in the first place, he’d never know.

***

“PAPI!” Marley’s screams jolted him awake. She was gasping for breath, tears running down her face. “Papi, papi, papi,” she cried, and he held her close to him and stroked her hair.

“Shh, mija. It’s okay. Papi’s right here, nina.” His hand ran lightly over her head, trying desperately to soothe her.

“Papi,” she sobbed, rubbing her head into his chest. “I havin’ bad dreams, Papi. I don’t want you to go away. I don’t want nobody to hurt my papi.”

He held her close and rested his chin on her little head. “Princesa, Papi is so sorry you got scared today. I wish I could take it all away, baby. I love you.” Standing with her, Rafael made his way back to her bedroom, to the rocking chair, where he had comforted her so many times as a baby. Now he sank into it one more time, beginning to rock his little girl again, singing the same spanish lullabies his abuelita had once sung to him.

She turned her body over so that she could watch him as he sang, and she stared at his face as he rocked them back and forth. He never knew he could love someone like this before Marlene. It was a different love than he’d ever felt before, one in which he knew he’d do anything to protect her without hesitation. It was pure and beautiful, and made him feel certain as to his purpose in Marlene’s life. Sometimes he felt he would fail her, but he knew it wouldn’t be because of a lack of love. One of her fingers wrapped around one of his, and she put her thumb in her mouth. “I wove you, Papi,” she whispered quietly, and he kissed her forehead.

He sang until he watched her little eyes close and felt her body relax. Her thumb slid out of her mouth and he watched her breathing quietly, peacefully. Oh, he knew how challenging she could be, but tonight all he could see was the tiny angel God had blessed them with.

God. Something else so complex in his life. Unlike Sonny, whose faith was strong and clear, he’d been hurt by the church and God’s people so many times he didn’t think he could separate it out. In fact, before Marlene, he’d become certain there was no God for him. No God in his life looking out for him, no blessing or punishment, just life, living. But then she came along, and all of his pat reasonings went out the window. How could he explain how she ended up with them? How he ended up married to the perfect husband for him, with the perfect daughter for him, and the right people and resources to make it all work? He didn’t know much, but his one exception to the “God doesn’t exist” rule in his life was that God had blessed them with Marley. Of that one thing, he was certain. And then today. Today they both walked out unscathed from a situation that could have resulted in death. Jim Holmes had raped his wife; Rafael had charged him accordingly. Then before he came to the office to discuss a plea, he had killed her. Why Jim chose not to take Rafael’s life along with his own, Rafael would never know but would always be thankful. And he had to believe God had a hand in it, somehow. He knew that’s what Sonny would say, and maybe he was right.

He lay his daughter’s tiny body down on her bed and covered her up carefully. He’d been a prosecutor long enough to know how differently today could have turned out, how with just a different thought process or even a different gun trajectory everything could have been altered forever. He kissed her forehead and thanked God for his blessing.

***

Sonny closed the door behind him quietly. It was almost ten p.m., far later than he had intended to get home, and he was hopeful that the rest of his family was asleep, especially after the day they’d had. 

He had been gathering his things to leave at four that afternoon when they got an emergency call, and Liv sent him directly to Bellevue to take a statement from a victim. He’d managed to send a text letting Rafael know he would be late, but that was his last contact. By the time he’d finished at the hospital, then gone back and documented his notes and updated his lieutenant, it had been after 9:30.

“I know you’re angry and you have every right to be,” he heard his husband’s voice begin. He stood quietly just a few feet inside the apartment, as Rafael continued. “I should have cancelled the meeting. I know we’d agreed never to take her if we didn’t have to, and I broke that agreement. Trust me, Sonny, you can’t say anything to me right now that I haven’t said worse to myself. I don’t deserve either of you, and I will be apologizing for this for the rest of my life. I’m so sorry, querido. I’m so very sorry. And if you don’t trust me with her, I understand.” 

Rafael was standing behind the couch, giving what sounded like a speech he had concocted at some point during the evening. Sonny hadn’t said a word, only watched his husband from the door as he continued to denigrate himself. Now Rafael was sighing heavily. “Sonny, if you don’t forgive me, I understand. I will keep working for your trust again and--”

Rafael made a sudden  _ oomph  _ as Sonny crossed the room and crushed him into his arms, squeezing him as tightly as the detective possibly could. “Shut up,” he said firmly, beginning to kiss Rafael all over the side of his face and head. “Do you have any idea how thankful I am that you two are okay? Any idea how much I love you? And as much as I’d love to strangle you right now, to blame you for doing something that ideally wouldn’t have happened, I can’t do that, Rafael! This was a mistake...awful timing...and I’m more worried about you and her, and the trauma you two have been through today, than I am about you breaking some half-assed rule we made three years ago when we were having conversations about parenting over coffee and thinking about what if’s. For fuck’s sake, you’re alive, she’s alive. I heard you and Carmen both made sure she was safe. You protected our daughter. I love you, Rafi. I love you and Marley so damn much.”

Feeling his husband’s arms around him, he let his tears go, and within seconds Rafael was sobbing in Sonny’s arms. All of the fear and anxiety of the day coursed through him and out as he wept. “I was so afraid,” he cried, “so afraid he’d storm into the office, or he’d fire and it’d go through the wall and hit her. And then when he was dead I was terrified she would see the body and be completely traumatized. I just kept holding her as tight as I could, Sonny, I just kept holding her and telling her she was okay, she was safe.”

“I know, baby,” Sonny soothed now, “I know you did. I know because you’re an amazing father. Wonderful, the best...I know how much you love that little girl. Shh…”

They stood together, tightly enmeshed, for several minutes, the only sounds being Rafael’s soft sobs and Sonny’s gentle shushing.

“Daddy?”

The men pulled apart, Rafael wiping his eyes as Sonny bent down to pick up their daughter, who ran into his arms. “Daddy,” she whimpered, “I don’t want Papi to go to work anymore. Tan he stay here?”

Sonny carried her over to the couch, and Rafael followed him, taking a seat nearby. Sonny wiped her little face, then said, “I hear you had a scary day at Papi’s office.”

She nodded. “Uh-huh.” Tears began to fall again, and he grabbed a tissue for her.

Sonny nodded back at her. “I’m so glad you and Papi are okay. Did you know that has never happened to Papi before? Not ever? Never ever at his office. He’s safe at his job. He’s an excellent lawyer and he helps a lot of people. I’m so glad this has never happened before, and will probably never ever happen again. Aren’t you?”

Marley glanced from Sonny to Rafael, then back to Sonny. “I think Papi tan be just a papi at home? Yeah. That’s a good idea, Daddy. He’s a good papi and I don’t want him to get shooted.” Her face crumpled at the last word and she began to cry again, then turned to reach for Rafael. He pulled her into his lap and held her close.

“I know that was scary,” Rafael murmured to her, “but we’re safe now, and Daddy’s here. We’re all here together, princesa. Why don’t I put you back to bed, okay?”

She didn’t answer; he carried her back and repeated the routine with the rocking chair until she was sleeping again, and he could tuck her into her bed. 

Sonny was standing in the doorway, watching. Once she was down, he motioned for Rafael to follow him into the hallway.

“Yeah?” Rafael closed her door, and Sonny put an arm around him.

“It’s time for me to take care of you,” Sonny said, and led him to bed.


	3. Into the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny comforts Rafael throughout the night, and takes care of his family the next day.
> 
> Tags have been updated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This chapter contains a good deal of explicit material with a bit of dom/sub consensual roleplay. This is something I tend to picture being important to these two, particularly to Rafael. I have always envisioned him as needing a space where he can either dominate without having to walk a tightrope or submit where he can take off the suit and the responsibilities it contains. For purposes of this fic, these two dabble occasionally in this but it is not part of every sexual encounter.
> 
> I realize this chapter reads as though it's the end of this arc, but it's not. There's more coming, folks, so hang in there!
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading! Kudos and comments are the best, and I appreciate them SO much! Hope you enjoy.

They were kissing deeply, Sonny’s hands running all over Rafael’s body. A body that could have lost its intensity today. A love that might not have come home to him. “You’ll do what I ask of you tonight?” Sonny whispered against him gruffly, and Rafael nodded, wordless. “Let me show you how much I love you, sweetheart,” Sonny murmured, kissing him deeply one more time, then pulling away.

“Take this off,” he said, tugging at Rafael’s tee shirt, and a second later he was tearing his own clothing off, casting them onto the chair in the corner of the room. Rafael slid out of his sweatpants and underwear, tossing them on top of Sonny’s. Reaching up, he cupped Sonny’s face in his hands, then closed his eyes and lost himself in his husband.

Sonny’s mouth was warm and welcoming, and his tongue tangled with Rafael’s in need. Carefully, he pulled Rafael down to the bed, climbing on top of him and pressing his body fully against his husband’s. He tangled one hand into Rafael’s hair, tugging gently as he continued to taste him, and his other hand ran a path over Rafael’s chest and stomach, down to his cock. Rafael whined and thrust upward toward Sonny’s hand. Sonny firmly wrapped his fist around Rafael’s cock, then pulled away from his mouth. “Rafael.”

Rafael was lying under him, panting, squeezing and stroking Sonny’s ass. “Need you, soleado,” he gasped, eyes closed, trying to reach up and capture Sonny’s mouth again. But Sonny moved his mouth away, until Rafael opened his eyes. Sonny tugged his hair firmly again, until Rafael whined once more. 

“Don’t leave me, Rafael,” Sonny said shakily, with a slight shake of his head. “Don’t ever leave me, baby. I don’t want to even think about trying to go on without you and Marley.”

“Sonny.” Rafael reached for him, wrapping his arms tightly around him as his lips found Sonny’s neck, sucking a large bruise before moving to his earlobe. Sonny’s mouth dove for a nipple, scraping and biting before sucking firmly. His hand began to pump the cock he was holding, and he felt Rafael thrusting into his grip. “Need you so much, Sonny...God, yes, please baby…”

Sonny kissed him then, passionately. “Gonna love you, baby,” he murmured gruffly, before moving his mouth down Rafael’s body, from his nipple to his ribcage, then licking and sucking his way to Rafael’s navel. He circled it slowly before tracing the happy trail with his index finger. Glancing up at his husband watching him through narrowed eyes, he slid his fist down to the base of Rafael’s cock and swallowed the top of it into his mouth, sucking hard.

“Ahh,” Rafael cried out, and Sonny slid his mouth farther down as he cupped his husband’s balls and massaged them gently. Rafael’s hand gripped Sonny’s hair, and Sonny began to move up and down sucking as firmly as he could. “Sonny!” he cried again, thrusting forward. “Need you, Sonny, please...oh god, I can’t...need you so much…” Sonny went down as far as he could, then looked up at his husband. Rafael’s eyes were closed again, his mouth open and groaning, and tears were rolling down his cheeks once more. Sonny pulled up and closed his own eyes, fighting back tears.  _ Never wanna lose you...can’t lose you, baby, I’d die, _ he thought, then swallowed down once more deeply, sucking hard again. He felt Rafael’s thighs beginning to shake, his voice soft and high pitched as he moaned again. Knowing how keyed up his husband was, Sonny released him gently. “Sonny...Sonny…” Rafael repeated softly, as Sonny slid his body up, next to Rafael’s, kissing him repeatedly.

“I love you, Rafi...always and forever, honey…not gonna bring you yet. You’ll get more, I promise” he murmured, pulling his husband against him tightly, and Rafael buried his face in Sonny’s chest as his hand caught Sonny’s cock and began to pump it quickly. Sonny’s hand settled on the back of Rafael’s neck, gently guiding his upper body lower. Rafael followed the direction and bent down to take Sonny into his mouth; Sonny held his head still and thrust repeatedly into Rafael’s wet warmth. “I love you, baby,” Sonny repeated as he watched Rafael move down lower, beginning to messily lick and suck all over his erection. “Rafi, baby...jesus,” he groaned again, as Rafael’s mouth moved quickly over his cock, then down to his balls. Rafael had always given him the most incredible blow jobs he’d ever had, making sure to drool and lick all over him as though he couldn’t get enough. But right now, in this moment, Sonny thought maybe he really couldn’t. Maybe they were both this desperate, this needy. Maybe Rafael really wanted it as much as he did, and as Rafael sucked over his head, Sonny grasped his hair and thrust into his mouth. Rafael turned to look at him, slowly pulling back until Sonny’s cock popped out of his mouth. “Fuck my mouth, Sonny...all you want, soleado...wanna make you so happy.” Rafael held Sonny’s cock in between two fingers, then licked it wetly, making sure he fully drooled all over the shaft. He knew Sonny liked it wet. Drenched, he had once told Rafael, and Rafael loved nothing more than to accommodate him. 

Giving Sonny what he wanted turned Rafael on more than anything else. He would do anything that Sonny asked of him, and when Sonny was in charge he trusted Sonny to know where his limits lay. Sonny had never pushed him farther than he was willing to go when they did this, when he was submissive, and he was utterly grateful for the opportunity to put the power and decision-making in somebody else’s hands for a little while. Tonight it was a gift for Sonny to lovingly take the lead and direct him fully. Of course there were times he had taken the lead, dominated his husband when he asked him to, for the same exact reason. In the end, though, they both found it not only gave them a highly satisfying sexual experience, but it built the trust in their relationship. He knew right now as he soaked his husband’s cock in saliva that Sonny wouldn’t dare hurt him. Sonny may be calling the shots tonight, but every decision was based on Rafael’s trust in him. He wouldn’t break it; Rafael knew this for sure.

Sonny grasped his hair, then thrust up into Rafael’s warm mouth once, twice, again until he was buried deep into his husband’s throat. Rafael fluttered his eyes closed, giving up the fight against his tears, breathing heavily against Sonny’s pubic hair, drooling unforgivingly over the cock deep in his throat. Sonny groaned, feeling immersed in the pleasure his husband was giving him. No matter what happened between them or to them, he knew without a doubt that Rafael loved him in a way no person had ever loved him before. And suddenly, this wasn’t enough. He needed more.

“Rafa,” Sonny whispered, wiping a tear from Rafael’s face,“stop, baby. Stop. I wanna be inside you. Need you, honey. I need to make love with you.” Rafael released him quickly, gasping for breath and looking into Sonny’s eyes. “Let me be inside you?”

Rafael took in the beauty of his husband then--the lithe, pale body with muscles flexing under skin, the thin sheen of sweat causing him to glow, the lust for him shining through the blue irises. He nodded quickly. “Yes. Yes yes yes…” He reached into the nightstand, grabbing the lube, and handed it to Sonny before lying on his belly in the middle of the bed, face resting on a pillow. Sonny helped to pull him up on his knees, his preferred position for prep. Then Sonny moved against him, squeezing lube onto his fingers, and carefully began to rub a circle around his husband’s rim. Rafael didn’t know when he’d felt so sexy, so alive, and his cock twitched as it hung heavily between his legs. For the first time since this godawful day started, he felt beautiful and worthy, worthy of Sonny’s love and affection. “Oh Sonny,” he whispered, “please, honey...oh please. I love you so much, more than I can say...oh…” Sonny slid a finger inside of his husband, then leaned over and kissed his mouth softly. 

They continued to kiss as Sonny prepped him; a second finger sliding in to accompany the first, bringing pleasure with it. Rafael arched his back slightly and Sonny stretched and flexed his fingers. His kisses wandered across Rafael’s jaw, over to his ear, where he stilled. “You feel so good,” he murmured. “I wish I could pleasure you all night...love you so much. Want you to know how much I love you, baby. Are you ready? Ready for me to fuck you?”

“Yes,” Rafael murmured, rolling onto his back as Sonny lubed himself. He bent Rafael’s knees up gently so Rafael could hold them, then lined up and pushed in slowly. As he slid in and bottomed out, they both groaned softly. “You feel incredible, baby. So perfect. Hot and tight. Jesus, Rafael...I love fucking you like this...tell me what you want, baby.” Sonny sped up his thrusts, going faster, deeper. “Want more? What do you need, sweetheart?”

“Please, Sonny,” Rafael moaned under him, feeling Sonny’s grip on his hips and the slight burn of the stretch Sonny was giving him. “God, don’t stop...just more, baby...please!” 

Sonny’s grip tightened on Rafael’s hips as he continued, closing his eyes and letting the emotions flood him. He could hear Rafael’s soft moans coming nonstop, felt his own heart pounding fast and furious. He loved this man more than anyone he’d ever known. The thought of losing him was more than he could handle, and he moved even quicker as though he could chase the thought of losing him away. Suddenly he felt Rafael’s hand grip his wrist, another intimate connection between the two of them, and he realized his husband was shuddering underneath him. He clutched him tighter, aiming purposefully for Rafael’s prostate. “Jack yourself for me,” he directed roughly, fucking in quick and deep. “Do it, baby. Come for me now, come on.”

Rafael clutched his own cock with his empty hand, jerking off quickly but unsteadily as Sonny continued to pound him. “Ah...ah…” he cried softly, knowing he had but seconds before it was over. “I love you, Sonny….I love you…”

“God!” Sonny cried out, louder than he intended. His body was stiff with pleasure as he came; he thrust erratically a handful more times, spurting inside of his husband. He felt a hand on his chest; when he opened his eyes, Rafael was resting one hand on Sonny’s chest, and one on his own, as he slowly massaged the cum into his own skin.

“I love you, Rafael,” he murmured, leaning down and kissing him deeply again, then slowly pulling out. He tangled his hand with Rafael’s on his chest, running his fingers through what was left of his husband’s orgasm. He carefully swiped a bit on his finger and brought it to his lover’s mouth; Rafael opened quickly and willingly to suck it off. “You’re the love of my life,” Sonny whispered to him, kissing his temple. “My everything, my husband.”

He could feel Rafael’s smile as their faces rested together on the pillow. Their hands drew still and they rested quietly for several minutes, just holding one another, until a soft cry came from the other room. “I’ll get her,” Rafael began, but Sonny lay his hand flat on his chest.

“No, let me,” he said, already getting up. “You need to rest. I can only imagine the amount of comforting you’ve had to do today. It’s your turn to rest. I’ll do the daddy job now.” He smiled gently at his husband, then got up, pulled on some sweats, washed his hands, and headed for his daughter’s room.

“I love you too,” Rafael murmured to the night air, then closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

***

“Papi?” Marlene was shaking him gently. Her eyes were red and she sounded congested.

“Yeah, baby,” he said and went to pick her up, then suddenly realized she was wet. “Oh, honey...did you have an accident?”

She sniffled. “Yeah. I dunno why. I’m sorry.” She wiped her eyes with the back of the hand that wasn’t holding her knuffle bunny. “An’ I tan’t find Daddy.”

“Okay,” he said, sitting up and suddenly realizing he was naked under the sheets. “Let me meet you in your bathroom and we’ll give you a bath, okay?”

She nodded. “Otay.” He watched her leave, carrying her knuffle bunny in one arm and shutting his door with the other.

Once she was out, he got up and threw on some clean boxers and sweats. Sonny must have gone out for coffee, he thought as he checked the clock and saw it was a little after eight. Tugging on a tee shirt, he left the bedroom and headed toward Marley’s bathroom.

He turned on the water in the tub, testing the temperature, as Marley wandered into the room, still holding her bunny. “Here, leave your wet clothes right there on the floor and I’ll go start washing them,” he told her as she pulled them off.

“I dunno why I peed myself,” she said, almost sounding as though she were talking to herself. “I not a baby no more. I’m a big girl. I don’t wanna have accidents.” She climbed into the tub.

“It’s okay, princesa...sometimes when scary things happen, children can have accidents. Papi knows you’re a big girl. Here’s your sponge and soap.”

“Thanks Papi.” She began to wash herself and he sat next to the tub, half watching, half thinking, until they suddenly heard the front door open and shut.

Marlene looked at Rafael, eyes wide and a smile taking over her face. “Daddy!” she whispered to him, and he smiled back.

“Daddy,” he repeated. “Think he’ll find us?”

She nodded excitedly, and when they heard him call their names, Rafael replied loudly, “I don’t know WHERE Marlene could be!”

The little girl pulled the curtain in front of her and giggled, as she heard her father’s footsteps approaching. “There you are, Rafi! Don’t tell me I have to look for Marley too?”

Marley’s giggles grew louder, near hysteria as she cried, “Here I am, Daddy!” and pulled the shower curtain back. But the silly, giggling face from seconds before was gone and replaced with tears once again. “I wanna get out, Daddy,” she told them. Looking at Rafael, she said, “I don’t think I wike to hide any more, Papi. I gotted stared again an’ I missed you.”

It made no sense, but then again, fear usually doesn’t, he thought, watching Sonny wrap their daughter up in a towel. 

“I’m right here, dolly,” he told her, carrying her into her room. “And Papi is right here, and we get to have a whole family day home today! Doesn’t that sound wonderful? And Abby called me a little bit ago. She’s going to bring lunch over for everyone. She wants to see you and Papi!” He glanced at Rafael. “Papi was so busy taking care of you guys yesterday he forgot to call Abuelita. So she’s going to come over for lunch.”

“Sorry about that,” Rafael said quietly, but Sonny shook his head.

“Don’t worry, Papi. I told Abby just how busy you were yesterday taking care of things here, and she understands that you absolutely did what you needed to do.” He leaned over and kissed Rafael’s cheek. “Today, we’re having a family day, starting with coffee and hot chocolate with breakfast and it’s on the table. We can play until Abby comes and then we’ll visit with her, and if you guys feel up to it, we can go to the park this afternoon, or we can watch a movie at home...whatever you want. Daddy will take care of everything, so Papi and Marley can rest and relax today. How does that sound?”

Rafael leaned against his husband. He didn’t have words. His entire life, he’d taken care of himself with the small exceptions of when his grandmother had stepped in. He’d never been able to really count on anyone else to show up when he needed them. Not until Sonny, anyway. And damn, did Sonny show up. “It sounds like heaven,” he murmured, and Sonny squeezed an arm around him tightly.

“Yeah,” Marley repeated. “Wike heaven. That means weally good, wight?”

“Right,” Sonny told her, and she climbed in his lap and snuggled close. “Although I have to say,” he mused, “this moment feels a little bit like heaven right now.”


	4. The Sickness That Follows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael shook his head and stood up, going over to the dresser and nervously organizing his jewelry box. Sonny could see his hands shaking as he moved items around. After a minute of silence, he said, “I don’t know what to tell you, Dominick. I just need a break, that’s all. I’m allowed to take a break, aren’t I? Even my boss thought it was a good idea. And if you ask me, Marley needs one of us to be with her right now, too. If this has affected anyone, it’s her. The kid’s having nightmares, wetting the bed…for Christ’s sake, she’s got the flu AND an ear infection on top of trying to deal with trauma! I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to take two weeks away from my job and care for our daughter.” He sighed and shook his head again. “Can you trust me on this, please? Just trust me.”
> 
> ***  
> TW--suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and thanks for reading!
> 
> Please be aware that in this chapter and at least the next one, nightmares are going to play a heavy role in the plot line, and will revisit the suicide in chapter one.
> 
> Thank you so much for you comments and kudos! As always, those are so motivating and wonderful for me--I love them and SO appreciate the time you take to leave your thoughts! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

He was adjusting his tie when Marley wandered into his bedroom, snuggling Knuffle Bunny in one hand and sucking her thumb on the other. She was still in her sleep shirt, despite him telling her to get dressed ten minutes ago. She climbed onto the bed and plopped down, watching him.

He turned around. “Marlene! You’re supposed to be dressed, honey, remember? We have to get going!”

“I tan’t, Papi,” she said slowly. “I don’t feel good today. I think we need to stay home and west, otay?”

She’d been dragging her heels about going back to school ever since the shooting last week, and he didn’t blame her for being frightened. They both were still having trouble sleeping, having nightmares, and she’d wet her bed a handful of times as well. But at some point, they had to get back to normal. Sonny had been pushing them all weekend, trying to move them both back into the headspace of normalcy, and Rafael wanted nothing more than to feel normal again. “Mija,” he said, bending down next to her, “I’m sorry you don’t feel so great, but we have to go. Papi’s supposed to be in court this morning--” he checked his watch--”in just a couple hours for arraignments. Let’s go, princesa.”

He watched as her chin wobbled back and forth and her eyes filled with tears; he half expected her to start bawling, but she didn’t. Instead, she pulled herself up to her feet. “Otay, Papi,” she said, and began to shuffle back to her room slowly. He finished his tie, half smiling to himself. She could be melodramatic but at least she was trying, he thought, slipping on his shoes. He knew how hard this had been on him; he could only imagine how difficult it was on a four year old child. He grabbed his wallet and headed out to the front room. As long as she had her clothes on, he could grab her backpack and they’d be on their way. Sonny was fantastic about making sure Marley’s things were ready to go in the morning, and that always saved him an extra step. Pulling on his own suit jacket, he checked the coat rack and realized her backpack was missing and must be in her room. 

“Hey Marley, you about ready?” he asked as he rounded the corner to her room.

She was standing in the middle of her floor, bent over, still in her nightgown. Vomit pooled at her feet, and she turned her head to look at him with large, tearful eyes. “I tried, Papi, but I throwed up. I weally don’t feel good,” she mumbled, and he reached for her and touched her clammy forehead. 

“I guess you really don’t,” he sighed, then peeled off his suit jacket and tossed it on the chair halfway across the room. She started to gag again, and he scooped her up, hands out, and ran her into the bathroom. “Aim for the potty, honey,” he instructed, and she did while he turned on the water in the shower to rinse her off.

***

“You snug enough?” he asked, as he buckled her into the uber.

She nodded. “Sometimes but then I’m hot and then I’m told,” she told him as he climbed in and got settled.

“Yeah, it sounds like you might have the flu like Billie did last week. We’ll see what Dr. Singh says.”

“Is she gonna give me a shot?” Her eyes were large again, how they always were when she was nervous or afraid. He shook his head.

“I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think so,” he told her. “Anyway, it’ll be okay, because even if she does it’ll be quick, and I’ll be right there to hold your hand, okay?”

She nodded. “Did you tall my daddy and tell him I’m sick?”

“Not yet, princesa. I’ll call him after we see the doctor so I know what the doctor thinks is going on.” He pulled out his phone and began to answer a text from Carmen.

Once they got checked in at the doctor’s office, they took a seat in the “sick” side of the waiting area. The doctor’s office divided their waiting area into “sick” and “well”. Personally, he hated this side. He felt like their chances of catching something awful were increasing by the second. On top of that, he knew he was missing arraignment, and while he’d arranged for somebody else to cover it, it wasn’t the same. But he didn’t really feel like he had a choice. They struggled for backup childcare like most families in America, and even if he could find somebody to watch her, he hated the thought of leaving his sick child with somebody else. Marley would also have been more upset if he had gone to work. She didn’t like for him to leave her sight these days, and it would have been a fight for him to get out the door without her. But both of those concerns were secondary, anyway; she needed to see a doctor. And between him and Sonny, this was an area that he was surprisingly much better at handling than his husband. Sonny was, in succinct terms, a germaphobe. He’d gotten a lot better since Marley was a baby, but even now Rafael was already dreading his husband’s arrival at home tonight. He was bound to be bringing cleaning wipes, bleach, clorox spray, and lysol to ensure everything in the house was as sterile as possible. Not to mention the gloves. Sonny would be wearing gloves for the next several days, whenever he cleaned or came near their daughter. Marlene now accepted it as a funny little quirk her daddy had, but Rafael still shook his head. He couldn’t imagine what Sonny would have done if he’d had to clean up the vomit this morning. Actually, he knew what he would have done, and Stanley Steemer would be at their place right now, steam-cleaning their hardwoods.

“Marlene Barba-Carisi,” the nurse called, and Rafael nudged his sleepy daughter, then picked her up and carried her in.

“You can set her in the chair,” the nurse told him, so he did, and she took Marley’s temperature with an ear thermometer. “102.9. Has she had any symptoms and when did they start?”

“Just this morning she said she didn’t feel well, and then she vomited. When I called they wanted her to come in because of the fever and vomiting together.”

The nurse nodded. “Marlene, can you tell me if anything hurts, or where you feel sick?”

Marlene nodded. “My tummy hurted earlier and my head hurts. And I’m hot an’ then I’m told an’ I’m sweepy.” She sighed and rubbed her ear, then her eyes.

“Okay, let me finish taking her vitals and then we’ll go ahead and run a flu test. We’re seeing the flu everywhere right now...it’s rather unusual for this time of year.”

Rafael watched as the nurse finished taking her blood pressure and getting her height and weight, then pulled out a long q-tip. “What’s that for?” Marley asked.

The nurse picked it up. “It’s for your flu test. It’s quick but a little uncomfortable, sweetie. I just need you to tilt your head back, okay?”

Marley did. The nurse quickly stabilized her head and inserted the qtip into her nose, swabbing as Marley yelled, “PAPI! MY BRAIN! I don’t wike it!!!” The nurse pulled it out just as quickly, and Marlene huffed, then shook her head. “I do not wike you doing that to me!” she said to the nurse. “You do not do that again! You need to tell people before you poke their brains! Wight, Papi?”

Rafael felt himself stifling an awkward, nervous fit of laughter. Honestly, he agreed with his daughter, but it also had to be done, and Marley was so offended it was humorous. “Marlene,” he said, trying to respect both the nurse and his daughter, “She only did what she had to do. That’s how they test for the flu. I promise it wasn’t your brain. You’re okay, honey.”

“I’m sorry it was uncomfortable,” the nurse told her. Turning to Rafael, she added, “And my goodness, someone is good at standing up for herself! Good job teaching her, Daddy!” She patted him on the arm and headed out of the room with the test.

“My daddy ain’t here, nurse-wady,” Marlene grumbled. “That’s my papi.”

Rafael took a seat next to her. “Want me to hold you, mija?” At her nod, he pulled her into his lap and they waited that way for several minutes, until Dr. Singh knocked and entered.

“Ah, hello Mr. Barba-Carisi! It’s good to see you again!” She shook his hand, then smiled at Marlene. “And how are you today, Marlene?” Dr. Singh held out her hand to the little girl, who shook it.

“Not so good,” Marley said honestly. “I throwed up and I got a fever, and then that nurse wady sticked a big stick up my nose to my brain and it hurted!”

“Up to your brain?” Dr. Singh asked. “Goodness. Do you know why she had to do that?”

“Tause she an’ Papi think I might have the flu?” She tugged on one ear again, and the doctor’s eyebrow went up.

“Exactly. What do you say I take a look in that ear for a minute? Do you want your papi to hold you or do you want to sit on the table like a big girl?”

Marley frowned. “I’m a big girl but I wanna sit on my papi’s wap. Otay?”

Dr. Singh nodded. “Yes ma’am. Let me take a look in that ear…”

She checked both ears, then Marlene’s nose and throat, asking if she’d had any soreness, and both Rafael and Marley told her no. She had Marley lay down on the examination table for a minute to check her abdomen, then let her rejoin Rafael.

“Well,” she said, jotting notes in the chart, “her test came back positive for the flu. She also has an infection in her left ear. I’m not seeing anything in her right, so we only need drops for the left, but the antibiotic I’ll give her will obviously take care of both ears, if there is something starting in the right and we just don’t see it yet. As for the flu, I’m going to start her on tamiflu. It won’t get rid of it, but it’ll cut down the number of days and the severity of it. You can also give her children’s motrin every four to six hours for the fever and discomfort. Additionally, I’m going to write a prescription for tamiflu for you and your husband, Mr. Barba-Carisi. You both will want to start it if you see any symptoms yourselves. This stuff is spreading like wildfire right now, so my guess is it’s just a matter of time before you have it too.”

“Hooray!” Rafael teased, stroking his daughter’s hair. “See how well you share with me and Daddy?”

“You not so funny, Papi,” she answered, then put her thumb in her mouth.

***

“How’s she doing?” Sonny asked when he got home that evening. “You could have called me. I would have stayed with her so you could go back to work. Rollins owes me for Billie, last week. Plus I know you had arraignment court this morning and meetings this afternoon.”

Rafael shook his head as he dug through the grocery bags. “We were fine. Ooh, you got popsicles! She’s going to be excited.”

Sonny watched his husband start to put away the groceries he had purchased. Something wasn’t sitting right with him about all of this. Rafael was too laid back, too comfortable with the fact he’d missed work today. He’d taken half the week last week after what they had termed “the incident”, and for the first time he could recall, Rafael didn’t seem concerned in the slightest about what he was missing. Sonny knew his family was still struggling with what had happened, but he’d never known or expected Rafael to avoid getting back to normal. “Well, I can take off tomorrow,” he said as Rafael put the soup in the pantry. “So you don’t need to worry about missing any more work. I know you hate having to pass things off to O’Dwyer.”

Rafael’s back stiffened, then he closed the cabinet. “I talked with McCoy at the end of last week,” he said, starting to put things in the freezer. “He said to consider taking a couple of weeks off if I felt I needed it. I wasn’t going to, but now that Marley’s got the flu…” He closed the freezer door. “I think it’s a good idea. I can use the time to catch up on some stuff here, organizing our home office...you’d been wanting us to consider painting our bedroom, right? I could start working on that--”

“Rafael,” Sonny crossed his arms. “What is going on?”

Rafael’s mouth opened, but closed almost as quickly a second later as he heard, “Daddy!”

He turned around to see his little girl there, snug in her footie pajamas and carrying Knuffle Bunny. “Hey, my baby girl! How are you feeling?” She reached for him and he scooped her up and rested her against his hip.

“A wittle better,” she said. “Papi made me soup and then I taked a nap.” She rubbed her eye. “Papi, my head hurts.”

Rafael checked his watch. “Let’s get you some Motrin, honey. That should help.” He stood up to get the medicine. “You know what else might help? How about a popsicle?”

Marley nodded, smiling, and then opened her mouth for Rafael to give her the medicine. “What flavor popsicle, lovey?” he asked. “Daddy got grape, or cherry, or orange…”

“Grape please,” she said, and Sonny nuzzled her cheek while Rafael got her popsicle ready.

“There you go,” Sonny said as he put her down and Rafael handed her the popsicle. “Why don’t you go rest while Papi and I finish talking?”

“Tan I watch TV?” she asked. “I tan watch in your bed.”

“Not with that popsicle,” Rafael said. “Why don’t you watch out here on the couch and Daddy and I will go talk in our room.” 

Marley lay down on the couch and Rafael grabbed a throw, tucking it over her, then handed her the remote. “Kid stuff ONLY, right?” he reminded her, and she nodded, then licked her popsicle.

***

“There’s really nothing to talk about here, Sonny. I’ve thought about it all day and I’ve written Jack an email formally requesting two weeks off, starting today. I sent it this morning.” Rafael was sitting on the edge of the bed, Sonny next to him.

“Okay,” Sonny said, “And then what?”

Rafael crossed his arms. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, how are you going to avoid it then? Sooner or later you’re going to have to go back. Unless, of course, you’re planning to quit.” Sonny was looking at him, ice blue eyes piercing his, and he would have looked down if he wasn’t so pissed by his response.

“I’m not avoiding anything,” he snapped back. “I haven’t taken a break in God knows how long. We haven’t taken time off together since Marley came home from the hospital. I haven’t had a vacation in years, and neither have you. I’m not saying the events of last week didn’t shake me up, but I’m not  _ avoiding. _ ”

Sonny sighed heavily. “I’ve never seen you stay away from work like this. Work has always been a haven for you, Rafael, and I don’t quite know what to think, watching you like this.”

Rafael shook his head and stood up, going over to the dresser and nervously organizing his jewelry box. Sonny could see his hands shaking as he moved items around. After a minute of silence, he said, “I don’t know what to tell you, Dominick. I just need a break, that’s all. I’m allowed to take a break, aren’t I? Even my boss thought it was a good idea. And if you ask me, Marley needs one of us to be with her right now, too. If this has affected anyone, it’s her. The kid’s having nightmares, wetting the bed…for Christ’s sake, she’s got the flu AND an ear infection on top of trying to deal with trauma! I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to take two weeks away from my job and care for our daughter.” He sighed and shook his head again. “Can you trust me on this, please? Just trust me.”

Sonny continued regarding him with a serious look. “I think you need therapy, Rafael.” Hearing Rafael immediately scoff, he held his hands up. “I’m not saying forever. I AM saying I’m concerned, and I think you need help working through this, Rafael. You’ve been traumatized in a horrible way that was completely unexpected, and it’s clearly impacted you a good deal.” Sonny stood and slowly approached his husband. “Look, baby. I want to trust you completely. If you will agree to see a therapist, then I’ll agree to let it go for a couple of weeks. Deal?”

Liv had already tried to give him Peter Lindstrom’s number. No way in hell was he seeing THAT guy. “Do I get to pick the therapist?” he asked, raising one eyebrow.

“Yes,” Sonny nodded, then added, “And you won’t fight me getting a therapist for Marley either.”

Rafael sighed loudly, more so that his husband would know he was irritated than that he actually objected. “Fine,” he agreed, then pointed at Sonny. “I’ll call someone by tomorrow afternoon, and you will say nothing more for two weeks.” Sonny nodded, then leaned over and kissed his husband’s forehead. “I’m not your fucking child,” Rafael groused, pulling Sonny’s mouth to his, and a minute later, their tongues entwined, trying to make up the words still needing to be said.


	5. In Sickness and In Health

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You say what, Papi?” He turned his head to the left and saw Marley step into the doorway of the bathroom. She was eating a cherry popsicle and had it all over her face and hands.
> 
> “Uh, nothing, honey…” He tried to stand but felt so dizzy he sat back down. “How did you get that popsicle?”
> 
> “I was hungry but you were sleepin’ so I gotted a chair to weach.” She slurped it and he closed his eyes, exhausted. “Don’t worry, Papi...I was tareful.”
> 
> “Marlene,” he said calmly, “could you please finish that and wash your hands? Then I need you to bring me my phone. I need to call Daddy.”
> 
> She shrugged. “Otay. Are you sick too, Papi? Didja puke? Do you want a popsicle? I tan get you one with the chair.”
> 
> He shook his head. “Just wash your hands and get my phone. That’s all I need.”
> 
> ****  
> The flu is contagious. Who knew?
> 
> TW--suicide mentioned, adult and child share a bed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi and thanks for reading! 
> 
> I wasn't sure how to warn for this, but Rafael falls asleep in Marley's bed with her in this chapter. I'm not sure if there will be further discussion about this or not. He would never do anything inappropriate, but I did not want to trigger anyone needlessly. 
> 
> Your comments are the absolute best and have kept me going! That means your comments are helping the Barba-Carisis to heal! And you thought you hadn't done anything today! Lol, There are going to continue to be some ups and downs for Sonny and Rafael as they work through this, and you'll see more of Rafael's subconscious trying to engage him. The trauma he's been through begins to bring about a lot of questions that he hadn't had previously. I think you'll see some of that in this chapter, so keep an eye out. Plus, poor traumatized guy's also got the flu.
> 
> Kudos and comments are so wonderful! I love, love, LOVE hearing your thoughts! Hope you enjoy.

“I loved her! I’ve loved her my whole life!” Jim Holmes was pacing, waving his gun around recklessly. “And you,” he snarled at Rafael, “you took her away from me. All you’ve done over the years, papi...you’ve had this coming and you know it.” Jim stepped up to Rafael, so close that Rafael could feel his breath. He placed the gun barrel against Rafael’s temple. “Goodbye, Papi…”

Rafael sat straight up in bed, gasping for breath. He was shaking, covered in sweat, trying desperately to get his bearings. “Rafa,” he heard Sonny’s voice, soft, “you’re okay. You’re okay, honey. I’m right here. I’m going to touch you, gonna put my hand on your back, okay?”

He nodded quickly, and a second later he felt Sonny’s hand slowly and gently stroking his back. The touch seemed to break the spell, and he suddenly burst into tears and fell into Sonny’s body. “It’s okay, honey. I’ve got you...I’ve got you.” Sonny held him tightly as he cried. 

“I hate this,” he gasped, chest heaving. “These fucking nightmares...he was going to shoot me...he said ‘goodbye, papi’...”

Sonny shook his head. “I’m so sorry, baby. Let’s lay down. I’ll hold you, okay?”

Marlene’s voice, shrill and scared, suddenly pierced the quiet. “PAPI!” she screamed, and there was no mistaking the fear in her words. “PAPI, POR FAVOR...PAPI, PAPI!”

Rafael climbed out of bed, but Sonny caught his wrist. “Rafael, let me go. It’s too much for you right now--”

He shook his head and pulled his arm back. “She needs me,” he said quietly, then headed out of the bedroom. “I’m coming, mija...it’s okay…” he called. 

Sonny lay back in the bed, feeling completely lost, and wishing for once they could go back to normal. 

***

Rafael woke up in Marley’s bed, shivering in his boxers and no blanket. She had been having a nightmare and he came in to soothe her, but once she fell asleep, he must have drifted off next to her. She was burrowed under her covers as though it were mid-winter, and he was reminded that she had the flu. Maybe sleeping here wasn’t the best idea he’d had, he thought suddenly. Quietly, he climbed out of her bed and made his way to the kitchen, where he could hear Sonny making coffee.

“Hey,” Rafael said, stretching and yawning. He was stiff and tired, but nothing he hadn’t dealt with before. He wrapped his arms around Sonny’s waist. “How are we today?”

He could feel his husband tense up. “You never came back to bed last night.”

“Yeah, I fell asleep next to her. Once she settled down.” He leaned up and kissed Sonny’s cheek. “Coffee smells so good.”

Sonny poured two cups and handed one to Rafael. “I waited for you. I kept thinking you’d be back...I know you’d had a nightmare too. I was worried about you.”

“I’m sorry, Sonny. I honestly didn’t mean to worry you. I’d figured you went back to sleep. You can’t do anything about this shit--Marley and I will have to just get through it. I mean, you’re not the one with the nightmares. This really isn’t your club.”

Sonny sat his cup down and stared at him. Rafael ignored him for as long as he could, but once a minute or so had passed, he realized Sonny wasn’t giving up. “What?” he asked, already knowing where this was going.

“I’m not the one with the nightmares...really?” Sonny crossed his arms over his chest. “I guess I didn’t realize I was so oblivious to whatever my family is going through.”

“I didn’t mean it that way, Sonny.” He took a sip of his coffee and tried to play it cool, despite the fact that an irrational part of him was itching for a fight. “Look, there’s nothing you can do about it, okay? You can’t turn them off for either of us, and I’ve already committed to stay home for the next two weeks and deal with all of this.” He reached over to rest a hand on Sonny’s thigh. “I love you and I appreciate everything you’re trying to do, but you can’t go through this for me. Please, honey. You do the things you normally do. It’ll be okay. Marley and I will catch up...it’ll just take us a little bit of time is all.”

Sonny was still watching him carefully, arms crossed. “I don’t think I believe that, Rafael.”

Marley made her way to the table and started toward Sonny, but Rafael reached his arms out and she stepped over to him and climbed in his lap. She was hot and sweaty, and immediately put her thumb in her mouth. “Oh mija,” Rafael said, “you need motrin, don’t you?”

She nodded. “My head hurts, Papi.”

“I know, princesa...here, let’s get your motrin--”

“I can hold her,” Sonny said, reaching for his daughter and feeling foolishly jealous. “Here, dolly. Daddy can hold you too. Papi takes wonderful care of you, but I love you too, and we both want to help you feel better.”

Rafael’s mouth hung open and he stood in the middle of the kitchen for a second, then stepped over to Sonny and deposited Marlene into his lap. “Of course you can, Daddy,” he said sweetly, then grabbed the motrin and set it on the table in front of Sonny. “Daddy can do anything Papi can do, and probably better. You’re in good hands, my love.”

“Rafael,” Sonny said sharply, but Rafael had already turned away, down the hall.

“Is Papi mad?” Marley asked. “I don’t wike it when you an’ Papi get mad at each other.”

Sonny stroked her hair and kissed her forehead. “Don’t worry, dolly. Papi and I love each other very much. We just disagree sometimes.”

“I don’t wike that,” Marley told him, shaking her head as he measured out her medicine.

“Well, I don’t particularly like it either,” Sonny told her, tilting the spoon into her mouth. “But that’s the way it is, baby. We don’t always agree with people. Even the people we love the most. So we have to learn the right ways to work out our problems.”

“Oh,” she said, tilting her head as she looked at him. “I get it. Papi’s takin’ a time out until he feels better, huh? Then you guys are gonna talk, wight?”

That hadn’t been exactly how Sonny would have summed up the last few moments’ events. At all. But if he gave his husband the same benefit of the doubt he wanted Rafael to give to him…

“Yes, sweetie,” he said, smiling at her. “That’s exactly right.”

***

“Oh God,” Rafael moaned, leaning over the toilet as he emptied his stomach again. That made four times in the last ten minutes, and he was praying for it to stop.

Sonny had gone to work after Rafael had encouraged him to go. There was no point in both of them staying home with a sick child when Rafael had already taken two weeks off. “Just pick a day next week, and we’ll do something as a family,” Rafael had promised him, and Sonny had reluctantly agreed. Despite their disagreement, Rafael had welcomed Sonny’s kisses and embrace as he got ready to leave. “I love you, querido, and I’m not trying to shut you out, even if you think so,” Rafael had assured him.

Sonny had sighed and rested his forehead against his husband’s. “I don’t think you’re doing it purposefully. We can talk more about it later, though.” After one more kiss, Sonny had leaned over his daughter on the couch. “Gimme some kisses, missus,” he teased, and she puckered up and kissed his cheek.

“Bye Daddy. I wove you so much.” He glanced back at her to see her eyes still focused on the television, and shaking his head, shut the door.

Rafael had settled on the couch with Marley for awhile, watching Sesame Street. When it was time, he’d heated up some soup his mami had sent over. After that, he laid her down for a nap and went to his own room to rest. He was exhausted, probably from the nightmares, he told himself. Twenty minutes later, he was face down in the bowl, holding on to the porcelain for dear life..

He pulled himself up and slid against the wall to sit. He grabbed a towel from the rack and wiped off his face, suddenly realizing he was coated in sweat. “Dammit,” he groaned to himself, realizing it had to be the flu. His stomach was still queasy, his head was pounding, and he felt like he was in a sweat factory, not to mention the exhaustion. He closed his eyes to rest for a minute.

***

Rafael grabbed his papers sitting on Carmen’s desk, shooting her a friendly smile. She nodded from the phone, smiling back.

He entered his office, combing through his papers, when he heard his daughter’s voice. “Hi Papi!” she greeted, and he was startled to see Marley sitting in his desk chair. “I makin’ my lawyer pictures. Number one, bad guys sometimes get away with stuff.”

He felt a little confused. Lawyer pictures? “They’re not supposed to, princesa.”

“But they do,” she continued. “Number two, your work will never be enough.”

This wasn’t right, he thought, as he walked nearer to her. He crossed his arms. “What do you mean, that my work won’t ever be enough? I think it’s just fine. I do my job, and I do it well. I’m one of the best criminal attorneys in the city.”

She shrugged and changed markers, and he suddenly realized she was wearing her Wonder Woman pajamas and instead of her regular braids, she had poofy pigtails. He kind of liked them and made a mental note to ask her if she’d done that herself. “Oh, you know. No matter what, there’s always more to do, wight? Wike how you missed it when I started walking. Thank goodness Daddy was there that day, wight? You got to watch it on the phone. Or wike when you were gonna take me to the daddy-daughter dance at Abby’s stool last year? But you couldn’t because of a big tourt tase. Daddy was workin’ too...so I went with Abby. It was fine. She wasn’t a dad, so it kind of defeated the purpose, but we all agreed it was fine.” She shrugged again. “I weally was sad when you an’ Daddy both missed preschool graduation, but wike you said, you work!” She sat up straight, cleared her throat, and took on her best Rafael voice, throwing his words back at him: “It’s widiculous to have it in the morning! Stay at home moms with lattes and jogging strollers and nannies must’ve planned it.” She switched her markers again. “That WAS pretty funny, what you said then, I’ll give you that, Papi,” she smiled, “even if I tried at stool when you weren’t there. My teacher didn’t tell you ‘tause she didn’t want you to feel bad.”

“I do the best I can,” he said a little desperately, feeling worse by the minute. “I really do, honey. I try…”

“Number three, you tan never get me back.”

“Now just a minute,” he said, pointing at her and feeling defensive. “Are you putting Daddy through this same test? This guilt-trip extravaganza? It’s not fair to hold me to a different standard, Marlene.”

She looked at him then, beautiful green eyes locked onto his, and said in a clear, adult voice, “I’m putting you through your standard, Rafael. It makes no sense to use your standard on somebody else. Your standard is the only one that counts here,  _ Papi. _ ” 

He looked down at his desk, suddenly able to see the picture she’d been drawing. It was a picture of him alone, in Forlini’s, surrounded by notes and a scotch. “Hey Papi?” she asked, and she sounded like the little girl he knew and loved, “Which baby do you wove more--me or the law?”

Rafael felt his heart breaking as he saw the uncertainty in her face. “You, bebita,” he said, quickly rounding the desk to pick her up, “Always you, princesa.” 

As he scooped her up and turned around, he was met with the image of Jim Holmes, half of his skull missing, grinning evilly at him. “So you say,” Jim cackled. “So you say.”

“So I DO say!” he answered loudly, enough to rouse him from sleeping. He was still on the bathroom floor, leaning against the wall. 

“You say what, Papi?” He turned his head to the left and saw Marley step into the doorway of the bathroom. She was eating a cherry popsicle and had it all over her face and hands.

“Uh, nothing, honey…” He tried to stand but felt so dizzy he sat back down. “How did you get that popsicle?”

“I was hungry but you were sleepin’ so I gotted a chair to weach.” She slurped it and he closed his eyes, exhausted. “Don’t worry, Papi...I was tareful.”

“Marlene,” he said calmly, “could you please finish that and wash your hands? Then I need you to bring me my phone. I need to call Daddy.”

She shrugged. “Otay. Are you sick too, Papi? Didja puke? Do you want a popsicle? I tan get you one with the chair.”

He shook his head. “Just wash your hands and get my phone. That’s all I need.”

She nodded, taking her last bite of the popsicle, then washing her hands in his sink. Rafael counted his breathing, trying to control the nausea he was experiencing, until he heard the water turn off. A minute later, Marlene asked, “Good?”

He opened his eyes to see her hands in front of his face, still slightly red but much better than before. “Yes,” he answered. “Phone, please.”

She disappeared for a few minutes before reappearing, phone to her ear. “Yep,” she said into it, “I tried to give him a popsicle but he didn’t want it. I think he puked. Maybe a wot, but he made it to the toilet--” she leaned forward toward him and whispered, “good job!”--”but I think his head maybe hurts ‘tause he tan’t stand up too good. He tried but then he sitted back down and said to get his phone and he needed to tall you.” He watched as she chewed her bottom lip. “Uh huh...uh huh...yeah, I’m safe til you get here, Daddy. I’m just gonna watch Stooby Doo in your room so I tan be near Papi, in tase he needs me. Oh, yeah...sure, hold on…” She handed the phone to Rafael. “It’s Daddy.”

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled into the receiver, feeling too sick to really feel sorry for anything. “But I’ve definitely got the flu. Bad.”

“Don’t apologize,” Sonny told him. “And if you’re dizzy, DON’T move. I’m on my way. Be there in twenty, okay?”

He nodded until Sonny said, “Rafael? Did you hear me?”

“Yeah. Yes. Twenty minutes. I’ll be waiting.”

“Okay. I love you. Can you give the phone back to Marley?”

“Marley,” he called with every bit of his energy, and the little girl rounded the corner. “Daddy wants you.”

She took the phone. “Hi Daddy...yeah, otay. Otay, I’ll see you. Oh, tan I have another popsicle? I’m still hungry. Oh, otay. Tan you hurry, ‘tause my belly is weally growling...otay, tool! Wove you too, bye bye.”


	6. Dream A Little Dream of Me (and the future and what it will be...)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He shook his head. “I don’t understand. You took my daughter.”
> 
> Jim shrugged. “You gave her to me.”
> 
> “No!” Rafael shook his head again vehemently. “I didn’t! She and Sonny are my world--”
> 
> “Funny,” Jim responded, “I thought I was.”
> 
> Rafael turned to argue with him, but his throat caught. Standing before him was no longer the Jim Holmes he had been talking to; instead stood Jim with a grotesquely mutilated head, exactly as Rafael had seen directly after Jim’s suicide. He winced. “No,, you’re not. Sonny and Marlene are my world…”
> 
> “You chose me, Rafael,” Mutilated Jim responded. “I'm more important. I always have been. Oh, you’ve played papi for awhile and done an okay job of it, but let’s be realistic...you came back for me. You’d choose me over Marley any day of the week.” 
> 
> *****  
> Where Marley starts to feel better, Sonny plays at being the human glue binding his family together, and Rafael tries to figure out the blessings and the curses of what binds him in his life.  
> *****  
> TW: suicide; nightmares including gory imagery and character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: suicide; nightmares including (not that) gory imagery and character death
> 
> Hi there! Thank you for reading!
> 
> Rafael's definitely struggling with more than just trauma at this point. Obviously he's sick too, but that's just intensified everything going on. The trauma has brought to the forefront some questions he's had but not allowed himself to consider--mainly, is he being the kind of dad he always wanted to be, and is that still the kind of dad he wants to be now? Witnessing a suicide has brought all of that to the forefront for him, and while there's some painful intensity toward the end of this chapter (and the next), I have faith that he'll work it all out.
> 
> Your comments and kudos are the BOMB. I love them! Thank you SO much, and I hope you enjoy this chapter.

“How are you feeling?” Sonny was feeling his forehead and stroking his face. It reminded Rafael of his abuelita, and how she would stroke his face when he was sick. He immediately leaned his face into Sonny’s touch, taking comfort in the cool hand against his skin.

“Hot,” he admitted. “Tired. Achey. Headachey. Yucky. Wanna snuggle?”

Sonny chuckled. “Can we settle for me taking your temp? Orally, before you get smart on me.”

Rafael opened his mouth, and Sonny slid the thermometer in. “Hold still for a minute. It’ll beep.” He paused for a moment. “Marley’s doing better. Her temp was down to 100.5 tonight--definitely the right direction.” The thermometer beeped and he carefully removed it from Rafael’s mouth. “Jesus, honey...103.1. I’ve got your tylenol here. You had ibuprofen a couple hours ago, and your tamiflu...do you think you can eat anything? There’s still a little of Lucia’s soup left, or I could make you some toast or oatmeal.” Sonny handed him the tylenol and a large cup of gatorade. Rafael took a gulp, swallowing the pills, and winced. “What? It’s got electrolytes...it’s supposed to be good when you’re sick like this.”

“Only if you drink it,” Rafael grimaced. “What is this? Are there any other flavors? And could I have a popsicle?” Before Sonny could answer, he added, “And where’s Marley? What time is it?”

“Good God,” Sonny replied, “are you done?”

Rafael nodded. “I think so.”

“This is lemon lime. If you’d like, I also have some orange and grape. We can try one of those if you prefer. Marley’s asleep, babe...it’s one in the morning. And yes, I’ll get you a popsicle. Do you want anything else?” Sonny asked, amused. At least Rafael was doing better than he was when Sonny got home around three. He’d been surprised to pick up his phone and have his four-year old on the other end. “Hey Daddy, whatcha doin’?” she had asked, and his first worry was Rafael had passed out somehow, somewhere. “Papi’s pretty sick, I think,” she’d said. “He told me to get his phone so he tould tall you.” And when he’d gotten home, Rafael was propped against the wall in the bathroom, actively sweating. Sonny had managed to help get him in the shower to cool off, then dried him off and slipped him into some clean boxers. Next was getting him in bed and giving him some tamiflu and ibuprofen, along with a glass of water. Rafael had fallen asleep shortly after that, and this was as alert as he’d been since then.

“I would like the grape gatorade and a grape popsicle,” Rafael stated, and Sonny bit back the urge to tease him for sounding like Marley ordering a restaurant. “I think I’ll pass on the soup for now. But I think some crackers might be good. Could I have some of those?”

Sonny stood up. “I think I can make that happen, guapo. I’ll be back in a few.” Rafael watched him leave the room, then he got up and headed to the bathroom.

After he finished, he washed his hands and checked himself out in the mirror. He looked like hell, he had to admit. His hair was askew and he had stubble, with dark circles under his eyes. He found himself thinking how ten years ago, he would’ve been scheduling a next day appointment for a haircut and shave. He used to take time and a good amount of money for things like haircuts, massages, and manicures. He thought of his dream earlier, of Marlene saying no matter what he did, it would never be enough, and he knew what she meant. His grooming had been just one example of that. He’d spent hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars each year to look the part, and that was before he ever even put an hour in to the actual work. When Marlene came along, they’d had to shuffle some of that around. He had given up bespoke suits and excessive grooming habits; weekly manicures had gone to monthly, massages were saved for times when he’d thrown his back out, and his suits, while still high quality, were not originals. But he’d never regretted the change, he realized now. In fact, he hadn’t bought a new suit in the past year, and he was okay with that. Marley being in a preschool that she loved and was high-quality was far more important than anything he could ever put on his body.

He climbed back into bed, feeling nearly as exhausted as he had when he fell asleep. Closing his eyes, his mind wandered back to the dream he had earlier, How he’d missed his baby girl taking her first steps, missed other important events. He could still remember getting home the night Marlene took her first steps. It had been nearly eleven at night. The judge had sent his jury to deliberate late that afternoon, and he had stayed at Forlini’s unwinding with Liv far longer than he had intended. When Sonny showed him the video, his first reaction was joy--seeing the pure delight on Marley’s face as she stumbled toward her daddy was profound. But the feeling that immediately followed--a mix of loss and guilt--had stayed with him for months. And ever since, when he’d had to miss something in her life that had importance, he was reminded again of her first steps, and how he would never, ever see them in person.

The bed dipped next to him and he cracked his eyes open. Sonny was sitting next to him, holding a tray. “You awake?” he asked gently. “I wasn’t sure.”

“Hmm. I am,” Rafael sighed, taking the tray from his husband. “Thank you.” He took his medication and a drink of Gatorade, then forced a smile. “That one’s better,” he lied, trying to sound grateful. He slowly bit a cracker, chewing it, and closed his eyes again.

He felt Sonny’s hand on his thigh. “Still tired, huh?” Sonny asked. 

“A bit,” he replied, then put the cracker down. “Do you ever think about the things you’ve missed with Marley?” he asked. “Do you ever think you miss too much?”

Sonny’s brow furrowed. “Baby, I think you do the very best you can. You knock yourself out for Marlene. You’ve given up a lot over the last five years and you’re a good father. I know you’ve given up more than you thought you’d have to in some instances, but I think Marley is an incredibly lucky child. I guess I’m just wondering why you suddenly seem to feel that you haven’t given enough of yourself?”

Rafael bit another cracker, then shook his head. “I think it’s more that my expectations of myself have changed. Maybe what I want to be as a parent, as a dad...maybe what I want to give her is different than I had imagined it would be.” He opened the popsicle and sucked on it for a second. “You know, she won’t stay little forever. Once this time is gone with her, it’s over. We don’t get it back.”

Sonny watched him for a moment. “That’s very true,” he sighed. “For everything, I suppose.” Impulsively, he leaned over and kissed Rafael’s forehead. “I’m so thankful I get both of you. You both make my life a wonderful life to live.”

Rafael smiled at him and squeezed his hand. 

***

“Now you two are set for the day, right? And if you need me, you’ll call?” Sonny pulled his suit jacket on and turned to look at his husband and daughter, one eyebrow raised.

“We’re good,” Rafael told him and Marley echoed, “Yeah, Daddy! We’re good!”

“Okay then.” He kissed the top of each of their heads. “My phone will be on me all day, and I’ll call at lunch to check on you. Love you both.” He hesitated a moment at the bedroom doorway, then shook his head and left.

“What are we gonna watch?” Rafael asked Marley as she rearranged her princess blanket over her feet (a present from her Auntie Bella and Uncle Tommy), then put her Ruth Bader Ginsburg throw on top of that (from her Aunt Livvy and Noah). “It looks like the Pioneer Woman is coming on next, or we could watch more Scooby.”

She scrunched up her nose. “What’s on HGTV?”

“Uh...oh! Love It or List It...you want that?”

“Nah,” Marley shook her head. “This is good. Wook, Papi, Wee is gonna make chicken spaghetti! I wove that stuff! You think Daddy will make it again for us if we ask?”

“Probably, if you ask nicely.” He leaned over to look at the paper she was working on. “What are you doing on your lap desk there? Anything interesting?”

“Uh-huh,” she answered, smiling and pulling out a marker. “I’m makin’ a book. Of me an’ you, Papi! An’ all the fun stuff we do, wike watchin’ Pioneer Woman in bed!”

“Oh really? Are you going to include a page about how fun it is when we’re both sick with the flu?” he teased her.

“Maybe. Maybe I’ll make a page about popsicles too. What tind are you gonna have for your snack today? I think I’m gonna have grape!”

“But you can’t have grape,” Rafael whined, teasing her. “That’s MY favorite!”

Marley continued to color without looking at him. After a minute, she said, “Then I will share with you, Papi. Because I’m a good sharin’ girl.”

He thought about how often she was willing to share whatever she had with him. She always offered him a sample of whatever she was snacking on, and even offered to change the TV channel when she was watching something, so they could both enjoy it. “You are very good at sharing,” he told her seriously. “I think you should put a page in your book about that...about how nice you are to your family, and how much you share with us. We love that about you.”

“You do?” she asked, a shy smile taking over her face.

“Yes we do,” he assured her. “We love that very much about you. That and so many other things, mija. You’re a terrific kid.”

She continued to color, smiling happily the whole time. “I gotted a terrific family. My papi is terrific, and my daddy is terrific, and my grammy is terrific, and my grampy is terrific, and my abby is--”

“Are you getting tired there?” he teased. “Or are you starting another book?  _ The Terrific Book _ ?”

She giggled. “That would be a good one, Papi. Let’s do that one. You help, otay? We’ll make all the people who are terrific to go in our book, otay?”

He sighed, suddenly realizing what he’d gotten himself into. “Okay, princesa, but you have to help me figure out who goes in.” She handed him some paper and held up the markers so he could choose, and they both got to work.

***

“Tome on, Daddy...wead our book with us!” Marley patted the bed next to her. “I promise I’ll get in my bed after we wead.”

“Okay, because I’m sleeping with Papi tonight,” Sonny told her, kindly but firmly, shooting a raised eyebrow at Rafael, who was smirking.

“Otay Papi, now you wead the words. Me an’ Papi both drawed the pictures and then I telled him which words to write, and he writed them. Weady, Papi?”

“Yes ma’am,” he told her, then began to read: “The Terrific Book, by Marley and Rafael Barba-Carisi.” He turned the page. “Daddy is terrific because he is so lovey and nice and kind. Abby is terrific because she makes the best arroz con pollo and gives the best hugs.” 

“Abby’s busy cooking in that picture, huh?” Sonny commented. “That’s a nice hairdo you gave her there, Papi.”

Rafael shot him a look. “It’s abstract art, Daddy. Now listen. Grammy and Grampy are terrific because they have a fun house and love us so much.”

“Hey, I like that picture, Marley!” Sonny enthused. “Look! There’s Grampy at the grill!”

“Uh huh!” Marley nodded. “An’ Grammy’s bringin’ the food out to the yard for all us tids!”

“Okay, Marley...two more and then we need to go to bed. Papi’s sicker than you and needs to rest,” Rafael told her, and she nodded as he turned the page. “Mia is terrific because she’s so pretty and she’s going to school and is so smart.”

“Wike her hair, Daddy? Mia’s got the wongest hair EVER!” Marley pointed to the picture she’d drawn of her cousin Mia and giggled excitedly.

“I do!” Sonny told her. “Now what’s the last one we’ll read tonight?”

Rafael turned the page. “Ooh, yes...a good one. Juris Prudence is terrific because she gives us kisses and lovies and she loves to play with me and she’s such a good, good puppy!”

“Ooh, Papi...nice doggy artwork there,” Sonny teased, scratching Pru’s head as they all laughed. “Are we all ready to go to bed now?”

“Do I gotta sleep wight now?” Marley asked. “I taked a nap earlier. Tan I wead with my flashlight in bed?”

Sonny and Rafael looked at each other and shrugged. “Don’t ask me,” Rafael said. “I’ll be snoring as soon as the two of you are quiet.”

“Okay,” Sonny agreed, “since you’re still sick, yes. But only reading in bed. Papi and I need to go to bed. Off you go, girlies!”

“Ack! Wait!” Marley squealed, throwing herself toward Rafael. “Tissies, Papi! Me an’ Pru need tissies and hugs!”

“All right, come here my love,” he said, scooping her up, then kissing her temple. “Papi loves his girls so very much. Thanks for taking such good care of me today, Miss Marley. You too, Juris Prudence.” He reached over and rubbed the little dog between the ears. “Goodnight, princesa. Papi will see you por la manana, si? (in the morning, yes?)”

“Si Papi!” she huffed, climbing off the bed. “Buenas noches mi papi amoroso!” (Good night my lovey papi!)

Sonny followed her off the bed, then nodded at Rafael. “Be right back.” He rounded the corner, heading down the hall after Marley and Pru.

“You bet,” Rafael mumbled to himself, rolling over and closing his eyes.

***

“Just shut up!” Jim was screaming at them again, “This is all your fault, anyway,” he sneered at Rafael. “I had everything under control until you insisted on moving forward with these ridiculous charges. You’ve taken everything from me. Maybe it’s time you see how it feels!” Jim reached into the conference room and yanked out Marlene.

“Papi,” she cried quietly, “Papi, I wanna go home.”

“No,” Rafael said in disbelief. “No, she’s in my office, not here…” he looked around frantically. “This can’t be happening. This isn’t right.” He took a step toward her. “Here baby, come here. Papi’s gonna get us out of here--”

“Shut up!” Jim yelled, yanking Marlene hard against him as she sobbed quietly. An ugly grin took over Jim’s face. “See how quickly I can take your world from you? In the blink of an eye, Rafael. All I had to do was spin my thought on a dime, or aim my gun differently…”

“I know,” Rafael admitted, “it’s all I think about now.”

“All you had to do was keep her home that day. That’s it. If you’d done that, my wife would be alive, I’d be alive...we’d all be alive. But we’re not. You’re a selfish fuck, Rafael, and you deserve to lose this kid.” He grabbed the top of Marlene’s head, yanking her to the side. “You’re going to lose her,” Jim sneered, his breath so close Rafael could smell the alcohol. 

“No, I won’t!” he tried to say as firmly as he could. “Let go of my daughter!”

Jim wrapped an arm around Marlene’s throat and she began shrieking for him, begging for help. “Papi, help me! Ayudame, mi papi, por favor!” (Help me, my father, please) He felt as though his heart was tearing in two--he needed to do anything he could to get her--

“Marley! Marlene, bebita, ven aca! (baby, come here)” He held out his arms for her, feeling his heart in his throat. She yanked Jim’s arm away and took off running toward him. “Yes baby! I’m right here!” he screamed, and saw her eyes go from fearful to relieved as she reached for his hand--

He heard the shot, but it didn’t register until he saw the blood on the front of her little dress and saw her stumble, saw her little face take on a look of shock.

He grabbed her as she started to fall to the ground. “Marlene, Marlene,” he said firmly but quickly, “you are NOT going to die. No. Look at Papi, princesa. Look at me. You’re going to be okay. I promised you that you would be okay and you will.” Her green eyes were wide open, staring at him, and her little mouth was moving, trying to speak, but no words came out. “God!” he shouted, looking at the ceiling, “Save her! She’s your child, your baby! Take me!” he cried desperately, looking back at his tiny daughter. “Take me…” He was crying as though he’d never stop. He knew his heart was gone. He’d never recover.

He sat with her body for what seemed like forever, as the blood pooled around her torso and the color left her face. He watched as her body lost its heat and began to stiffen. As the light started to fade, he stood up and took the handful of steps needed to stand in front of Jim. “Why are you still here?” he asked, wiping his tears.

“Why are you?” Jim responded, tapping his foot. “You keep coming back. It’s like you have to lose everything before you get outta here.”

He shook his head. “I don’t understand. You took my daughter.”

Jim shrugged. “You gave her to me.”

“No!” Rafael shook his head again vehemently. “I didn’t! She and Sonny are my world--”

“Funny,” Jim responded, “I thought I was.”

Rafael turned to argue with him, but his throat caught. Standing before him was no longer the Jim Holmes he had been talking to; instead stood Jim with a grotesquely mutilated head, exactly as Rafael had seen directly after Jim’s suicide. He winced. “No,, you’re not. Sonny and Marlene are my world…”

“You chose me, Rafael,” Mutilated Jim responded. “I'm more important. I always have been. Oh, you’ve played papi for awhile and done an okay job of it, but let’s be realistic...you came back for me. You’d choose me over Marley any day of the week.” 


	7. A Lawyer And A Father Walk Into A Phone Booth...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What this time?” Rafael asked, wincing visibly as he noted the gunshot injury on Jim. “What do you want? I’ve told you she’s my world. I’ve taken time off to be with her. I’ve vowed I will never make this same ridiculous mistake--”
> 
> Jim tilted his head, and Rafael watched as a bit of brain matter splattered to the floor. “You don’t like it? I’m getting used to it.” He tapped the uninjured side of his head and grinned as a clot of blood hit the floor. “Entertaining, anyway. Can I ask you a question, Rafael? Do you like yourself? Is this who you want to be?”
> 
> “What do you mean?” Rafael moved slowly around Jim. “I was pretty happy before you came along--a husband, a daughter, a job I’m proud of. Not sure of your point.”
> 
> “I’m just wondering,” Jim said, sitting down on the floor, “what makes you smile.”
> 
> *****  
> A lot of comfort and a lot of questions, and even a little bit of Barson.
> 
> *****  
> TW: suicide, gory-ish dream details

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thanks for reading!
> 
> Just a reminder this fic deals with suicide and includes some gory-ish dream imagery and character deaths.
> 
> This chapter is adults-only, and contains smut. Probably badly written smut. Consider yourself forewarned!
> 
> Kudos and comments are so wonderful and literally make me so happy. Thank you for YOUR willingness to share what you love about this fic, or any of your thoughts about it! Your comments help to make me a better writer, and I appreciate that so much! Hope you enjoy!

“Rafael. It’s okay...it’s okay, baby, breathe...breathe, honey…”

Sonny had awoken suddenly when his husband had been sobbing in his sleep. He hadn’t known that sobbing during sleep was possible until now, but Rafael could barely catch his breath, and his eyes suddenly opened wide, looking around frantically. “It’s okay,” he soothed again, trying to calm him. Rafael grabbed his forearm and clung for dear life.

“Where’s Marley?” he finally gasped, still clinging to Sonny.

“She’s asleep, honey. You were dreaming. You know that, right? You’re at home in bed now, with me. Everything’s okay. Marley and Pru are asleep in her room. We read her book a little bit ago...the one you made with her earlier today, remember?” Sonny reached across him to the nightstand, grabbing the homemade, stapled book. “See? It’s right here. You guys made it while I was at work, remember?”

A look of recognition crossed his husband’s features, and he felt Rafael’s grip loosen slightly. He glanced from the book then back to Sonny and closed his eyes, exhaling heavily. Sonny leaned down and ghosted his lips over Rafael’s, a movement to comfort him, but Rafael caught the back of his head and pressed their lips together, hard. A moment later, Rafael was kissing him passionately, tongue tasting his, tangling as one hand grasped his hair and the other moved down, squeezing his ass.

“Rafi,” Sonny gasped for breath as Rafael urged his body over, onto his back. “Baby, you don’t have to--”

“Need you,” Rafael muttered into his ear, then bit and tugged the lobe. “Gonna love you, Sonny...make you feel so good.”

Rafael's mouth was sucking on his pulse point then, and Sonny couldn’t help but arch his neck as his husband’s hands roamed over him quickly, roughly, stroking and tugging. His mouth moved from Sonny’s neck to his nipple, biting and pulling the nub with his teeth, then sucking it as his hand grasped Sonny’s cock tightly. Sonny gasped in a mix of pleasure and pain; his husband knew his body better than any other lover ever had, and Sonny knew then that this was going to be quick and dirty.

Rafael moved to his abdomen, biting and sucking another spot below his navel, next to his happy trail. His hand was jerking Sonny’s cock roughly, until Sonny stopped him with his own hand. “Too dry,” Sonny gasped, and Rafael stopped and raised his head to look at him.

“Too dry?” he repeated, then spat on his husband’s cock before taking the crown into his mouth and sucking firmly, letting himself drool as heavily as he could. He cupped Sonny’s balls in his hand and gently rolled one at a time. “Fuck my mouth, soleado,” Rafael directed hoarsely. “All of you. Do it good. I want you to come down my throat, hermoso.” He licked the slit, then around the crown. “Wanna feel you, taste you. Now.”

Sonny glanced down at him, then tangled his hand in Rafael’s hair. “Are you sure that’s what you want?” 

Meeting his eyes, Rafael placed a delicate kiss to the tip of Sonny’s cock before answering, “Yes.” Then he sucked Sonny’s cock into his mouth, taking it all the way down quickly.

Sonny clutched his hair and thrust gently, rolling his hips, and Rafael lay his palms flat on Sonny’s thighs, then ran them over smooth skin to his ass. Rafael felt the hand in his hair tighten, holding him still, before feeling the cock in his mouth withdraw, then thrust back forcefully. He closed his eyes and braced himself, as Sonny began to thrust repeatedly. Rafael continued to suck as his husband’s cock fucked his mouth roughly. Thinking about the pleasure Sonny was feeling, knowing Sonny had control of him, made his own cock swell in his boxers. He reached inside to stroke himself, thumb circling the head and spreading precome over himself.

Sonny was fisting his hair tightly, thrusting relentlessly, and groaning. Rafael felt his eyes tearing from the abuse of his throat; he gently ran a dry finger up and down the crack in Sonny’s ass, then slipped it slightly in. “Fuck,” Sonny groaned, “baby, you take it so good. Such a good little cockslut, aren’t you? Always wanting more...Jesus, I’m gonna come, baby...Rafi, honey, fuck…” Rafael felt Sonny stiffen and a moment later his throat was being filled with hot semen. He swallowed repeatedly, letting Sonny cock slowly slip from between his lips. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand before making his way back up the bed to his spot next to his husband.

Sonny kissed him, then leaned over, yanking Rafael’s boxers down below his erection. He quickly swallowed him, sucking the tip as he masturbated the shaft. “You don’t have to...ahh, Jesus, Sonny...fuck, so good,” Rafael moaned, and two minutes later he was ejaculating into Sonny’s warm, wet mouth.

“I love you,” Sonny murmured in his ear a few minutes later, as they were spooned again. “I will always love you, baby.”

Rafael kissed his hand. “Te amo, mi amor.” He kissed Sonny’s hand a second time and sank into his arms, allowing himself to feel safe and loved.

***

“All you had to do was keep her home that day. That’s it. If you’d done that, my wife would be alive, I’d be alive...we’d all be alive. But we’re not. You’re a selfish fuck, Rafael, and you deserve to lose this kid.” Jim grabbed the top of Marlene’s head, yanking her to the side, exactly as he had in the last dream. “You’re going to lose her,” he repeated, and the alcohol smelled just as rank as it had before. 

“No, I won’t!” he said, this time with more force. “Let go of my daughter!”

Jim wrapped an arm around Marlene’s throat and she began shrieking for Rafael, begging for help. “Papi, help me! Ayudame, mi papi, por favor!” (Help me, my father, please) The sound of Marlene’s panic still frightened him, but he steadied himself, reminding himself this was a dream.

“Jim!” Rafael held his palm straight up, indicating stop. “You’re NOT going to do it this time. Put the fucking gun down, Jim.”

Jim looked from Marley’s teary face to Rafael’s angry one, and sighed. “Fine,” he said, giving Marlene a shove. “Go on, kid. Get outta here.”

“Come here, baby,” Rafael called to her, this time in English, but she shook her head. 

“Tan’t, Papi. You got work to do.” She looked between the men sadly, then disappeared back behind the conference door from where she had come.

“What this time?” Rafael asked, wincing visibly as he noted the gunshot injury on Jim. “What do you want? I’ve told you she’s my world. I’ve taken time off to be with her. I’ve vowed I will never make this same ridiculous mistake--”

Jim tilted his head, and Rafael watched as a bit of brain matter splattered to the floor. “You don’t like it? I’m getting used to it.” He tapped the uninjured side of his head and grinned as a clot of blood hit the floor. “Entertaining, anyway. Can I ask you a question, Rafael? Do you like yourself? Is this who you want to be?”

“What do you mean?” Rafael moved slowly around Jim. “I was pretty happy before you came along--a husband, a daughter, a job I’m proud of. Not sure of your point.”

“I’m just wondering,” Jim said, sitting down on the floor, “what makes you smile.”

Rafael scoffed at him. “I smile plenty. My family, my friends, my kid...they all make me smile! TV makes me smile! Comedians. Cartoons. Scooby Doo...watching that with Marley makes me smile. I smile plenty, if that’s what you’re asking.” Seeing Jim’s expression, he added, “Not everything is supposed to be light and funny. My job is a serious one. Nobody should be laughing at that shit.”

Jim scratched at the bared part of his brain. “I’m not arguing that one.”

“You know, I can be an incredible prosecutor AND a good father! Just because you crashed into my life and made it hell for a week or two doesn’t mean I should walk away from a twenty-one year career. This didn’t happen because of ME. YOU are not MY fault.” He crossed his arms, and ground his teeth, working his jaw.

“Good for you,” Jim said, patting Rafael’s knee. “All I was asking is if you still want to be the incredible prosecutor, when you’ve been there and done that. Seeing how much you seem to love being her sidekick--” he nodded toward the door Marlene had disappeared through--”I just wondered if you wanted to be her dad.”

“I am her dad,” he argued weakly, relaxing his arms to his sides. “I’m a good dad.”

“Sure,” Jim acquiesced. “You’re fine.”

“I try really hard.”

“Meh. As much as you can.” Jim picked at a fingernail.

“You’re a rapist and a murderer. Why should I listen to you about anything?” Rafael exclaimed suddenly, standing. “You know nothing about me or my family. Nothing about my daughter and what she needs!”

“I’m dead, too,” Jim chuckled, then bit at a hangnail. “Don’t forget about that.”

“I’m a good dad,” he repeated, sounding less sure. “I’m worlds better than my dad was.”

“That’s not saying much. Miguel was pretty much the bottom of the barrel,” Jim reminded him. “But you? You’ve got the potential to be amazing.”

“I don’t know about that,” Rafael said quietly.

“I do,” Jim replied. “You love that kid unconditionally.”

They were silent for a minute. “I don’t want to go back to work,” Rafael finally admitted. “And not just because I love being with Marley. I’m tired. I’m tired of the violence. I’m tired of the anger and the manipulation and the cruelty I see every day. I’m tired of the politicizing of morals and ethics. I’m tired of dedicating every waking moment to it--”

“And some sleeping moments,” Jim added, grinning. At Rafael’s glare, he added, “Sorry.”

“At any rate, you’re right. It used to be a thrill. Then it made me feel important. Now, it just…” he stopped, shook his head. “It pays our bills. And I still get to feel like a good guy who’s doing good things.”

“Bayard Ellis said call him any time. He’d find a part time spot for you.”

“Two years ago!” Rafael snorted.

“Call any time, he said.” Jim pointed at the phone booth that had appeared next to him. “I bet that’s him now.”

“What the hell?” Rafael muttered to himself and stood up, then looked around. Jim was gone, but the phone inside the booth was ringing. “And don’t come back!” Rafael yelled loudly. “I’m done with you, Jim Holmes, and I mean it! No more nightmares! Stay away from my family!” He slid into the phone booth. “Fucking asshole,” he muttered to himself, then picked up the receiver. “Hello?”

“Rafa, it’s Liv,” her voice came through the phone clearly, and he smiled.

“Hey Liv,” he replied, and he suddenly realized how much he had missed her.

“I think your nightmares are over. But Sonny’s right, you really need therapy, sweetie.” He could hear Noah in the background, watching TV.

“Yeah, all right, whatever,” he said. “But I’m NOT seeing Lindstrom.”

“Of course not!” she replied. “He’s my guy. Find your own. Oh, I gotta go...time to get up.”

“Okay. And Liv? Quick question.” He figured he might as well ask while he had her here.

“What is it?” she asked.

“Well, it’s this...if I feel like I need to do something new, like I’ve got to move on or something, would you understand?”

She was quiet for a moment. “Of course I would, Rafa. I love you and I’ll support you no matter what you do. That’s what friends do, my love.”

He felt his eyes fill with tears. “I love you, Olivia. Thanks for always being my friend.”

“I love you too, Rafael. Now wake up and kiss your family. They love you too.”

Rafael opened his eyes to see Sonny, freshly showered and naked, standing next to the dresser as he pulled out his socks and underwear for the day. He tugged the blankets up a little higher, feeling warmth radiating through his body. More than anything, it was so nice to be loved.


	8. The Things That Must Be Said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny turned around, facing his husband, and wrapped his arms around him. “I want you happy,” he said, suddenly sincere, and Rafael felt a lump in his throat. “How are you doing now, really? Are you still planning to go back next week? Or are you done?”
> 
> Rafael couldn’t help but stiffen at Sonny’s question. “Son…”
> 
> “Wait, Rafi...listen.” He guided them over to the bed, and they both sat down. Sonny rested a hand on Rafael’s thigh, trying to communicate his love through touch. “I know this has rocked your world, and differently than any other trauma you’ve--we’ve--experienced. Maybe because Marley was there. I’ve tried to ask myself how I would respond if she were on scene when my life was threatened, how it would change me, and to be honest, I can’t even imagine it. If she had been there when Cole had that gun to my head last fall?” He shook his head. “I can’t imagine all the ways that would have fucked with me." 
> 
> Rafael, Sonny, and Marlene have some difficult conversations about the future.
> 
> ***  
> TW: suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! Thanks for reading!
> 
> I don't think there's anything to really give a heads up about in this chapter. It's dialogue-heavy, but as the title says, it's conversations that need to happen as we move toward wrapping up this particular story arc. 
> 
> Your comments have been, and continue to be, incredibly helpful, constructive, and motivational for me. Thank you so much for that! I have found such joy in writing, and your feedback has been monumental in making that happen with this particular story. I'm very grateful for that!
> 
> So here you go! Enjoy!

“I think I wanna have a zoo birthday, Papi.” Marley was eating a bowl of oatmeal, the most breakfast she’d had in days. “We tan go to the zoo an’ see the animals and then eat some take and ice cream! How’s that sound?”

“Easy,” Rafael replied. “That means good! I think Daddy and I will like that idea very much.” Marley’s birthday was coming up quickly. It was hard to believe that in just a few weeks his baby would be five years old. He still remembered carrying her home that first day, terrified that he would massively fail. “Who would you like to invite this year?”

“Um...tan we invite my whole tlass, wike Britney did? That was so fun!” She put her spoon down and took a drink of juice.

Rafael had figured this was coming, and he and Sonny had already talked about it. Neither of them felt a party of that size was appropriate for her age, and they certainly didn’t want to host one. “You know, Daddy and I talked about that. We know Britney’s party was fun, but we think that’s too much for our family to do. Daddy and I were thinking since you were turning five, you could invite maybe five friends from school? And then we can also invite our other friends, like Noah and Jesse, and Billie and Jayden? And your cousins, of course.”

“And their grownups?” she asked.

“Yes, with their grownups.” There was no way Rafael was going to supervise a group of preschoolers by himself. They’d have to make it clear on the invitations that a parent needed to come with their child, if they were going to the zoo.

“This is gonna be so tool,” Marley said to herself, grinning, then taking a bite of oatmeal. “Will Daddy make my take?”

“Maybe.” Rafael took a bite of his own oatmeal, then stirred it some more. “Probably, if you ask him nicely.” He took another bite, then put his spoon down. “You know, it’s going to be time for you to go back to school tomorrow.”

Marley froze, spoon midway to her mouth. “I’m not weady, Papi. I still don’t feel good.” She put her spoon back in her bowl and pushed it away from her. “See? I’m not hungry anymore ‘tause I still gotted the flu. I gonna go lay down now.” She started to climb out of her chair, but he caught her by the arm.

“Sit back down, mija. Let’s talk about this, okay?” She eyed him warily, but climbed back into her seat. 

He smiled gently at her. “Now honey, I know you are over the flu. You aren’t running a fever and you’re back to your usual self. You ate pizza for dinner last night and had a dance-a-thon with Daddy, remember?”

She nodded, grinning at the memory. “Uh-huh. To Selena Gomez. And you said I won.”

“You did,” he confirmed. “You’ve got the moves. Daddy needs to brush up.”

She laughed. “Yeah, he does.” She took another bite of her oatmeal.

“So we agree you’re feeling better. That means there must be another reason you don’t want to go to school. Do you know why you feel that way?” He had his own suspicions, but was curious if Marley was aware enough to verbalize it herself.

She was quiet for a minute, eating her oatmeal, then finally said, “I just wike it here with you, Papi. It’s fun here. You an’ me have so much fun and you’re the best papi ever and I don’t want you to go nowhere…” Her chin began to tremble and her eyes filled with tears again.

“Come here, princesa,” he said, scooping her into his lap. She buried her face in his shirt and breathed deeply. “Are you scared Papi’s going to get hurt?”

He could hear her muffled breathing, wet against his shirt. After a moment, she mumbled, “Yes.”

“Hmm.” He stroked her back slowly, praying for the right words for this conversation. “Do you know I’m scared of that too? I’m also scared that you could get hurt if I’m not there. Did you know that?”

She sniffled, then pulled away from his shirt and looked at him with wet eyelashes. “You’re stared we both tould get hurted? Me too, Papi. My brain teeps tellin’ me that you tan get hurt if I’m not here to take tare of you. An’ I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want you to die, Papi.” She sniffled and shuddered, then took a deep breath. “I wike stool but I don’t want you to get hurted without me. But also, what if a bad guy brings a gun to my stool? We gotta practice for that at stool, didja know that we do that? ‘Tause bad guys do...they bring guns and shoot people dead. I don’t wanna get dead.”

He was watching her as she spoke, reflecting on how different the world was from when he was a kid and his big worry with guns was outside of school, not in it. But every word she said was legitimate, regardless of her age. He wanted to apologize for the world, to tell her we live in a fucked up world and there’s no excuse for it. “I don’t want you to get hurt either, mija. I know you have school shooter drills, and I’m sure they are scary. But they are to practice so that you know what to do in case that happens. Do you remember when you were in my office with Carmen? How she tried to keep you quiet and away from the door? Do you know why she did that--have you thought about that, honey?”

She was playing with the buttons on the front of his shirt. “To teep me safe? To make sure I stayed there so I didn’t get shooted?”

He nodded. “That’s exactly why. And even though we hadn’t practiced it, Carmen did everything she could to keep you safe, because she knows how much we love you. Just like your teachers. They will do everything they can to keep you safe, because we all love you.”

She nodded slowly. “But bad guys get in sometimes.”

He nodded back. “You’re right. Sometimes they do.”

Her face slowly crumpled again. “So what if a bad guy tomes to shoot you again, Papi? How are you gonna be safe?”

“Did you know that when Carmen saw that Jim had a gun, she pressed a special button under her desk?” he asked, and she shook her head no. “She did. Carmen has a special button that if she presses it, people know we have an emergency and need a police officer right away. She pressed it, and they came immediately. They were there very, very fast. Do you remember that?”

She nodded. “Yeah, you grabbed me and then I heard them yellin’ and you said it was otay ‘tause it was the police.”

“Right. So when Papi goes back to work, he has that button, plus one like it under my desk. And he still has a lot of safe people around to help. You know that. There’s Carmen, and Henry at the security desk--”

“And Daddy!” she volunteered happily. “And Aunt Wivvy, and Mr. Matoy.”

“That’s right,” he nodded. “You know, honey, bad things sometimes happen, and we can’t help that. But if we hide and never go back to doing the things we enjoy, then the bad guys get to take everything fun away. And that’s not okay, is it?”

“No.” She looked down. “Are you going back to work tomorrow too?”

“No.” He played with her hair. “Papi and Mr. McCoy agreed that I would take two weeks off, so I still have this week off before I go back. I’m still a little sick, but I have other things I’m going to be doing too.”

“Oh, otay. What are you gonna do?” she asked.

He sighed. “Well, make an appointment with a therapist, to start. And check in with some old friends.”

“What’s a thair-piss? And what friends, Papi? Do I know them? Do they got tids wike me?”

He chuckled. “I don’t know about kids, but his name is Bayard. And a therapist is somebody who helps you work out your problems and talk about your feelings--”

“That’s it!” she interrupted him. “I go see my thair-piss tomorrow! Daddy telled me.” Her face suddenly changed from excited to irritable. “He didn’t tell me I gotta go back to stool though. Sneaky Daddy.”

Rafael kissed her nose. “Your daddy loves you more than life itself. You are a lucky little girl, Miss Marley Mae.”

“I know,” she sighed, wrapping her arms around him. “I know tause you tell me all the time.”

He squeezed her back. “I only speak the truth.”

***

“Thursday morning at 9:15. Her name’s Renata Elkins. She specializes in trauma, so I figured I’d be a good challenge.” He handed Sonny the post-it with the information written in purple marker. “Marlene’s marker was the closest writing utensil,” he explained at Sonny’s raised eyebrow.

“I’m glad you scheduled it,” Sonny replied. “Now you just need to keep it.” Before Rafael could act too offended, he added, “And you remember Marley’s appointment tomorrow afternoon? At 2:30?”

“Yeah, I got it.” He tugged a tee shirt on to sleep in and pulled off his jeans. “I can’t believe you think I’d skip out on that appointment. Give me a little credit, Sonny. Jesus.”

Sonny didn’t answer, instead going into the bathroom to brush his teeth. Rafael joined him a minute later, elbowing him for toothpaste. Sonny handed it over, and they brushed together, until Sonny reached behind them and pinched Rafael’s ass.

“Hey!” Rafael spat in the sink. “Sexual harassment, asshole!” He began brushing once more.

Sonny spat. “You want this asshole,” he teased, bumping Rafael’s hip, then rinsing his mouth.

“Funny,” Rafael responded, running a hand from Sonny’s hip to his crotch and cupping his dick. He felt it twitch in his hand, and he couldn’t help but grin. “Wonder what you want?”

Sonny turned around, facing his husband, and wrapping his arms around him. “I want you happy,” he said, suddenly sincere, and Rafael felt a lump in his throat. “How are you doing now, really? Are you still planning to go back next week? Or are you done?”

Rafael couldn’t help but stiffen at Sonny’s question. “Son…”

“Wait, Rafi...listen.” He guided them over to the bed, and they both sat down. Sonny rested a hand on Rafael’s thigh, trying to communicate his love through touch. “I know this has rocked your world, and differently than any other trauma you’ve--we’ve--experienced. Maybe because Marley was there. I’ve tried to ask myself how I would respond if she were on scene when my life was threatened, how it would change me, and to be honest, I can’t even imagine it. If she had been there when Cole had that gun to my head last fall?” He shook his head. “I can’t imagine all the ways that would have fucked with me. The two of you are brave. You’re separately brave people, and you’re brave together. I’ve tried not to be jealous of this new bond you two have formed. And I’m trying not to mourn the fact you’re missing at work. That the constants in my life have changed a bit.” Sonny took Rafael’s hand in his and squeezed it, then turned it over in his own, stroking the palm with his thumb. “You know when we got married, we said forever. I meant every single one of those words. And I will mean those words even if you decide, for whatever reason, that you’re done being an ADA. I’ll mean those words even if you become the fun dad and I’m the more serious one. I just need you to talk to me, to tell me where your head’s at. Preferably before you tell Jack McCoy. Or Marley.” He paused for a second, then added, “Or Liv.”

“Sonny.” Rafael reached up and stroked Sonny’s cheek gently. “I’ll be back on Monday. I said I would, and I try to keep my word. I hope you know me well enough by now to know that’s important to me.” Sonny gave a quick nod, and Rafael continued. “You also need to know that you are still the fun and funny dad. I may be fun while she’s sick, and she may be clinging to me right now, but do you know why she’s clinging to me? It’s not because I’m cool. It’s because she’s terrified I’m gonna be killed.” He watched Sonny’s expression cloud over to one of sadness and concern. “She needs the light and life and laughter you bring to her, and she is so lucky to have it. I told her that just this morning, how very much her daddy loves her.”

“I do,” Sonny agreed, squeezing Rafael’s thigh. “I guess I just haven’t felt like I know where to fit these last couple weeks.”

Rafael laughed softly. “None of us do. Everything feels so fucking crazy. And while I will be back at work on Monday, you need to know I’ve made some decisions, because they will affect you in the future. First and foremost, our family will come first. Always. Being her dad and your husband are the roles that I’m now putting in first place.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, determined to force the next words out of his mouth. “And that means I will be starting the process of looking for a new job...one that allows me to put my family first, that gives me more flexibility to be with you...with her. I’ve decided it’s not good enough any more to be a good dad.” He looked Sonny in the eye then and squeezed his hands. “I want to be a great one, Sonny. I want to be a dad she’s proud of...one that has no recognizable similarities to Miguel Barba.”

Sonny’s expression hadn’t changed much, and Rafael wasn’t sure how he was feeling. Did he think he, Rafael, was being selfish? Did he understand his reasoning at all? Was he upset about the changes that would come in their own relationship? “Are you upset?” he finally asked. “I know you were hoping things would go back to how they were--”

“I was hoping,” Sonny interrupted, “that my husband was going to heal.” He looked down at their hands together, at Rafael’s thumb still stroking his palm. “I hadn’t expected him to start to heal in other areas too.” A soft smile took over his face, and he brought Rafael’s hand up to his lips and kissed it. “You scare the shit out of me, Barba. You’ve always challenged me to be better...a better detective, a better lawyer, a better man. Now you’re challenging me to be better again, and goddamn, Rafael...I guess I’m gonna have to try to do it.” Seeing Rafael’s features collapse into an easy grin, he shook his head and laughed. “Jesus, it’s gonna be so weird not working together. And you being a part time stay at home dad! Who would have thought? Our friends always thought it would be me!” He caught Rafael’s face in his hands, smiling widely. “I love you, hermoso. I always will, with my whole heart.” Leaning forward, he kissed Rafael deeply and slowly, and Rafael kissed him back with the same love and connection.

“You’re crying,” Rafael whispered, wiping tears from Sonny’s face as their foreheads rested together.

Sonny nodded. “I just...it’s just...you and Marley, you’re my everything. It’s been hard not knowing how to take care of you through this.”

Rafael climbed into Sonny’s lap, straddling his legs and wrapping his own around Sonny’s body. “Believe me, you do just fine,”


	9. The Recovery Shuffle (one step forward, two steps back...)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t think I tan go, Daddy,” Marlene was standing in the hallway, holding onto the door frame. “My tummy hurts and I might throw up again.” Rafael made his way into the kitchen, pouring a cup of coffee, and Marley looked between her dads for support. “I know! Papi will be home still today, so I tan stay here and rest one more day, wight? Yeah, that’s a good idea, Daddy. One more day, otay?”
> 
> Sonny and Rafael looked at one another, and Rafael took his mug and made his way down the hall to their daughter. “Hey sweetie, remember our plan? I know your tummy might hurt because you’re nervous this morning. It’s okay. Once you get dressed and get to school, you should feel better. Are you going to wear some shorts or jeans today?”
> 
> Marley shook her head and started to cry. “I tan’t, Papi. I wetted my bed again. I need to stay home. I had bad dreams and I wanna stay here.”
> 
> ****
> 
> Marley's healing doesn't follow a straight line, and her dads are patiently trying to encourage movement in the direction of recovery.
> 
> ****
> 
> TW: suicide

“I don’t think I tan go, Daddy,” Marlene was standing in the hallway, holding onto the door frame. “My tummy hurts and I might throw up again.” Rafael made his way into the kitchen, pouring a cup of coffee, and Marley looked between her dads for support. “I know! Papi will be home still today, so I tan stay here and rest one more day, wight? Yeah, that’s a good idea, Daddy. One more day, otay?”

Sonny and Rafael looked at one another, and Rafael took his mug and made his way down the hall to their daughter. “Hey sweetie, remember our plan? I know your tummy might hurt because you’re nervous this morning. It’s okay. Once you get dressed and get to school, you should feel better. Are you going to wear some shorts or jeans today?”

Marley shook her head and started to cry. “I tan’t, Papi. I wetted my bed again. I need to stay home. I had bad dreams and I wanna stay here.”

“You wet your bed again?” he said sympathetically, and his heart hurt. A part of him wanted so badly to give in, to make five more pages of the terrific people book or plan her birthday more. But he knew he wasn’t doing her any favors if they didn’t at least try. “Let’s take a quick shower and get you ready, okay? Would you like to pick out your clothes or should Daddy do that?”

Marley didn’t answer. She clung to Rafael as he turned the shower on and helped undress her. Her cries elevated to screams when he put her in the shower and helped her wash off. Before he could turn the water off, she began to gag. “Lean over the potty, honey,” he told her, helping her bend, and she threw up. Sonny handed him a towel and he wrapped it around her, then turned to him. “What do we do?”

“No idea,” Sonny answered, “but this is brutal.” Rafael looked up at him, and Sonny’s eyes were filled with tears. This was hard for him, too.

Marley threw up once more, but her little stomach was empty. Rafael began to pat her back. “You’re okay, baby,” he soothed. “It’s okay. We’re right here with you. You don’t need to be scared. Daddy and I are going to make sure you’re safe. I promise.”

He pulled her close to him and she rested her head on his shoulder, body still shaking as she tried to stop crying. “I tan’t, Papi,” she finally gasped. “Please, Papi, please tan I try again tomorrow? Please tan we make another plan? Please?”

“Yes,” he said, and felt her physically collapse against him. And in that moment, he felt something he hadn’t felt toward Jim outside of his dream--anger. His daughter was struggling to do things she used to love because of the fear this man had instilled in her. How dare he?

“I’m sorry, Papi,” she was saying now. “I just too stared wight now. I so sorry. Are you mad, Papi? Please don’t be mad at me.”

He pulled her off of his shoulder so he could see her face. “I’m not mad at you, mija. Listen to me, honey. This is not your fault. I’m VERY mad at Jim Holmes for doing this to us. I’m so mad at him for how he scared you! It is NOT okay and I’m so mad I can’t even THINK what I feel like doing---” He heard Sonny snort, and knew the sentiment was shared equally.

“Wike hitting him, Papi?” Her voice was very quiet and unsure. 

Rafael suddenly wondered if she was angry too. “For sure,” he said, nodding at her. “Are you mad too, princesa? Do you want to do something to him because you’re mad?”

“Uh-huh,” she nodded. “I mad that he stared us too. I wanna…” he saw her face crinkle up, as though she were thinking…”uh, step on his toe!”

“You know what I want to do?” Sonny asked, stepping near the other two. “You know Road Runny, Marley Mae? I want to treat him like Wil-E Coyote! Drop an anvil on his head and shoot him to the moon with those rockets!” Sonny made the motion of his hand taking off into the sky, and suddenly Marley burst into giggles.

“That would be funny, Daddy,” she said. “An’ he would never tome back ‘tause he’d be blowed up in space!”

“You know, dolly, I feel very angry when I know how much you loved school before, and now you’re scared to go because of him. And I want to just yell at him! I want to tell him, ‘Stay away from my Marley and her papi! She loves her school and she loves her papi! Don’t you dare scare her! She should not have to worry about your bad choice! That was mean and awful and don’t you dare do it again!” Sonny had knelt down to her level and rested his hands on her waist.

“Yeah!” Marley added loudly. She looked between her fathers, and seeing the sincerity in their faces, she added, “That was mean, Mistuh Jim Dummy! I don’t wike it, you meanie butthead! You stay away from us, you...you...you booby dummy stinky butt! You don’t do it again!”

“Yeah!” Sonny added, nodding his head.

“That’s right!!” Rafael backed her, figuring they’d address the preschool level cursing later.

“But guys?” she asked, “he tan’t do it again, tan he? Tause he got shooted dead, wight?”

“Right,” Rafael confirmed, “although it still feels good to get our mad out, doesn’t it?”

She nodded. “Yeah. Hey Papi? I’m told. Tan I put on my tlothes now? Or my pj’s?”

“Sure,” he said, then added, “Sure you don’t want to try school today?”

She stood still, again with her crinkled thinking face, then shook her head. “Not yet. I don’t wanna try when I get there, and my brain says I would try if I go today.”

“Well, it’s good to listen to your brain,” he said. “Go get dressed and I’ll make you a little breakfast...something easy on your tummy, okay?”

“Otay. Thanks, Papi.”

They both stood up in the hallway and stretched, feeling exhausted from the last hour of negotiation and care, yet high from their continuing ability to parent together. Sonny wrapped an arm around Rafael’s shoulders, and they turned to head toward the kitchen. Suddenly little arms enveloped their waists. “Thanks, you guys,” she said again. “I wove you very very much. Thank you for believing me.”

“We love you too, princesa,” Sonny replied, fighting the lump in his throat. “Now go get dressed.”

***

They were sitting in the waiting room of Marlene’s new therapist. Marley swung her feet back and forth quickly, and Rafael knew she was nervous. She hadn’t wanted to come here either, but had agreed because he was going with her. “You’re not gonna weave me, are you, Papi?” she had asked, and he had assured her that he would be there the whole time, but he might have to be in a different room for awhile. 

“Marlene?” A young woman with brunette hair and large round black glasses held the door open, and they stood up. Marley took her father’s hand and he led her through the doorway, following the woman into a playroom. There was a table with chairs off to the side, and the woman motioned to it. “Would you all like to have a seat?” she asked, and Marley sat down in a chair. Rafael took a seat next to her, and a moment later, the woman joined them.

“My name is Amy Carroll, and you must be Rafael,” she said, smiling and extending a hand to him. 

Rafael shook her hand and nodded. “I am, and this is Marlene.”

Amy held her hand out to Marlene. “It’s so nice to meet you, Marlene. Do you like for people to call you Marlene, or is there another name you go by?”

Marlene shook her hand. “I go by Marley sometimes. I wike that.”

“Okay, great!” Amy said. “It’s nice to meet you, Marley! Now, I talked with your daddy, Sonny, last week, and he told me some of what was going on--” she looked at Rafael and nodded--”but I was wondering if you could tell me why you’re here, Marley.”

Marley shrugged. “Tause Papi bringed me.”

Amy smiled. “He sure did, honey. You know, my job is to talk with people about their feelings, and things that are going on, or things that happened to them, to help them feel better or figure out their problems. Why do you think your dads want you to talk with me?”

Marley crinkled her nose, then looked at Rafael. “‘Tause me an’ Papi been sad wately, tause this guy Jim, he bringed a gun to Papi’s office and he shooted himself and got dead. An’ Papi saw him and he was stared that Jim was gonna shoot him or me but he didn’t. An’ I was in Papi’s office with Tarmen and we were hiding under his desk, but then I gotted weally stared when I heard the gun and I tried to get out but I touldn’t ‘tause the door was wocked. But Papi got me.” She looked up at Rafael, then back to Amy. “Yeah, that’s it. That’s what happened.”

Amy nodded. “Wow, Marley. That sounds scary. How do you feel about what happened?”

“It was stary. Me an’ Papi was stared and we still get stared. And we get mad too, wight Papi? And my daddy too. We all get mad.” She looked at him again for confirmation, and he wondered if some of his own baggage was being carried by his daughter.

“I feel mad about it,” he said, looking back and forth between his daughter and the therapist. “How do you feel? You know you don’t have to feel how Papi feels. It’s okay if you feel differently.”

“I feel wike you do, Papi!” she said quickly. “Me an’ Papi wanna beat Jim up, wight Papi? Papi’s gonna punch him and I’m gonna step on his toes! And then Daddy’s gonna drop an animal on him and shoot him to the moon with the wockets, wike the coyote!” She started to laugh, and Rafael wanted the floor to swallow him alive.

He turned to Amy and said, “Marlene and her dad and I had a conversation this morning about how we sometimes feel angry at Jim, and she asked if I feel like punching him, and I said yes, sometimes I do--”

Amy nodded, then looked at Marlene. “Well, I think if that happened to me, I would probably feel pretty mad too. Your daddy said you don’t want to go to school. Is that true?”

Marley moved closer to Rafael, then said, “I want to go to stool but I don’t want my papi to get hurt. And I don’t want bad guys to shoot me at stool. I wike to stay home with my papi.” She looked at him again and smiled. “We have fun. We do fun stuff, wike make books and watch TV. He’s my bestest papi. Most kids don’t even gotted a papi, didja know that? But I do. And I wove him with all of my sweet wittle heart.” She looked at Rafael adoringly, then leaned over and whispered loudly, “That’s what Abby says...I gotted a sweet wittle heart.” 

Rafael didn’t think his cheeks could flush any more red than they already were. “That’s, um...that’s my mom,” he explained, wanting once again to sink into the floor.

Amy smiled. “I can see your papi is very special to you, Marley, and it sounds like your daddy is too. What do you think would happen if you went to school?”

“I dunno.” Marley shuffled her feet, then played with Rafael’s hand. “Probly I play with my friends an’ wead an’ sing an’ stuff. But a bad guy might get in and shoot us.”

“That’s true. That almost never happens, but sometimes it does,” Amy replied. “Marley, I want to tell you about this room we are in. It’s our special playroom. When you come to see me, we will work in here every time. We can use lots of different materials in here to help us play and to do our work. Do you know what our work is?”

Marley shook her head.

“Well, our work is going to be talking about things that have happened and how we feel about them. And we have lots of things we can use to help us. We only have two playroom rules. Are you ready to hear them?”

Marley nodded. “Uh-huh...you mean I get to play with this stuff in here?”

Amy smiled. “Yes you do. The first rule is to be gentle with yourself. That means you are not allowed to hurt yourself on purpose in the playroom. Understand?”

Marley nodded, but a look of confusion covered her face. “I don’t hurt myself on purpose, do I, Papi?”

“No,” Rafael reassured her, “you don’t, but some children do. That’s why they have the rule.”

“Oh,” Marley said, then excitedly added, “I know that tid! He goes to my stool and he hits his head sometimes with his hand!”

Amy nodded. “Some kids do that. So you agree to be gentle with yourself when you’re in the playroom, Marley?”

“Yeah, I tan do that!” she agreed.

“Okay,” Amy continued. “The other rule is that we clean up after we’re done, before you go home. That way the playroom is ready for the next kiddo who needs to use it. Are you good at cleaning up?”

Rafael bit his lip to keep from laughing as he watched his daughter struggle to tell the truth. “Well, I try,” she said, tilting her head to the side, “but it’s something I’m still wearning. Papi says I gotta learn all the things ‘tause one day I’ll be a wady, but I’m still wearning that one. But I know how to put all my dirty tlothes in the hamper! And I put my books on the shelf where they go, all by myself!”

“Well that’s fantastic!” Amy told her. “It sounds like you’ll be able to help in here just fine! You and I will work on it together. Is that good?”

Marley nodded. “Yeah, I think it is!”

“That sounds terrific. I’m going to ask your papi to go to the waiting room and finish filling out these papers, and we will play in here. I’m going to set our timer, and when it dings, we will know it’s time to clean up and go get your papi.”

Marley looked from one adult to the other. “Wait, Miss Amy! I got a good idea! What if Papi stays wight here and just watches us play? He’s a good watcher! Yeah, that’s a good idea. He’ll watch us.”

“Let me show you something, Marley.” Amy stood up and grabbed a tablet off of a shelf, then brought it back to the table. She fiddled with a few things, then said, “Look here. Do you know what that is?”

Marley looked curiously. “It’s a woom.”

“Uh huh. It’s the waiting room your papi will be in. So while we play here, you can look and watch him any time you want. And do you remember how short the hallway is? You can get to him that quick. Should we try it out?”

Marley looked hesitant. “Are you gonna lock me in here?”

“No, I won’t. We can keep the door cracked if you like.”

It was silent for a moment before Marlene finally nodded. “Otay. As wong as you don’t wock the door.”

Rafael leaned down and kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you in a few minutes, princesa.” He picked up his papers and made his way to the waiting area again.

Settling down on the couch, he checked his watch and couldn’t believe they only had ten minutes left. His stomach was rolling, upset from Marley’s comment about the door being locked. He knew she had been traumatized by not being able to get to him, by Carmen locking her in, but there was no way around it at the time. If she hadn’t been, the consequences would have been so much worse than what they were dealing with now. It was a situation where he couldn’t win.

He pulled out a pen and began to fill out the blank questions on the paperwork, trying to focus on those instead of his anxiety surrounding how Marley was handling herself.

He was explaining the frequency of her nightmares when he heard, “Hi Papi!” and his little girl’s feet skipping across the floor.

Looking up, he was surprised to see a toothy smile on his daughter’s face and a giraffe sticker in her hand. “Wookit what I got,” she said, showing him the sticker, then peeling it to put it on her sundress. “It’s a giraffe! For Daddy, tause you always tall him your giraffe. She didn’t have any toalas.”

Rafael laughed nervously before glancing up at Amy, who was also smiling. “Everything go okay?” he asked, and Amy nodded.

“I got to watch you!” Marley exclaimed. “I watched you three times an’ you were just writin’!”

“Would next week this time work for you all?” Amy asked Rafael. “We will start the session with just you and me so you can tell me how the week has gone and any concerns you have, and then Marley will get to play in the playroom again.”

“An’ I get to watch you on the tablet if I wanna,” she added, then looked at Amy. “Wight, Miss Amy?”

“You’re right,” Amy confirmed.

“Sure, that’s fine for the time. If I can’t bring her, Sonny will, but we will check in with each other if there’s things we think you need to know.” Rafael felt himself beginning to relax. Marley had actually spent ten minutes away from him, with a stranger in a strange place, and no meltdowns.

“Sounds terrific,” Amy said. “See you all next week!”

“Terrific,” Marley echoed. “Like our terrific book, Papi!”

“Yes ma’am,” he answered both. “Miss Amy might be a good person to add to that book,” he said as they headed out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like most things, recovery is more of a dance back and forth, and survivors have to look at the overall picture rather than one particular action or day. Both Marlene and Rafael have struggled with this; even though they are moving forward overall, they have missteps or days they're just not up to pushing.
> 
> When children experience trauma, the most effective form of therapy for them is called play therapy. This occurs in a quiet environment with the therapist. It may or may not include the parent. Usually this environment has a lot of materials for the child to play with. The therapist looks for themes in the child's play and ways to capitalize upon those themes. For example, a child who is having trouble feeling safe may build a home with lots of locks or guns, or a castle with a moat and cannons. The therapist can use this to talk about feelings, which can lead to conversations about real-life, and real life ways to help the child feel safer. Play therapy can be very effective and doesn't have to be long-term. Like learning any other skill, children can learn how to express themselves, manage anxiety, use appropriate strategies to manage emotions, and other life skills.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! As always, your comments and kudos are AMAZING and I look forward to them!


	10. Leaps and Bounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael smiled as warmly as he could and hugged her tight, wishing his hug could say everything he needed it to. That she was safe, that they would both be fine. That he loved her tremendously. “Promise, Papi?” she whispered in his ear. “Promise you’ll tome back?”
> 
> He pulled back so he could look in her eyes. “I promise, Marley. I will see you at the end of school today.”
> 
> They both nodded at each other, then she squeezed his hand. “You’re gonna be otay, Papi,” she said. “I’ll see you soon.” She followed Callie into the classroom and they closed the door.
> 
> Rafael left the school and took the shortcut through the park. He went straight home without running errands or stopping for coffee. Instead, he entered the apartment and locked the door behind him. Pru’s ears perked up when she heard him, and she followed him into the bedroom, climbing up on the mattress next to him. He reached out to pet her, and she licked his hand.
> 
> And then he cried.  
> ****  
> Returning to normal has its ups and downs--even when you're all moving in the right direction.
> 
> ****  
> TW: suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Yes, we are getting closer to the end now. I'm anticipating two to three more chapters of this particular arc. I really appreciate all the feedback you all have given me as we've moved along this journey, and I'm so pleased to know so many of you have enjoyed this particular fic!
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are so appreciated! I hope you enjoy chapter ten!

“Hey.” Sonny’s voice cut through his sleep like a knife. “You still asleep?”

“Mmm...yeah. What time is it?” Rafael rolled over to check the alarm clock.

“A little after seven,” Sonny told him. “I’m hoping to be out of here sometime this afternoon. Are you guys okay?”

“Yeah, we’re fine,” Rafael told him, rubbing his eyes. “She’s going to school today, so just wish me luck.”

Sonny snorted. “Hopefully today is better than yesterday. I don’t think I could force her to go through with it if it’s like yesterday,” he said. “By the way, did therapy go okay?”

“Actually, yes.” Rafael sat up in the bed, putting his feet on the floor. “She stayed in the room with the therapist for ten minutes without me. I was proud of her.”

“That’s impressive,” Sonny said. “Look, I’ve got to go, but I just wanted to call and say hey. I love you, babe. And tell dolly I love her too.”

“I love you too, sweetheart, and I will pass it on,” Rafael told him, feeling a smile creep across his face. “Be safe, okay?”

“Always. See you this afternoon.”

“Bye.” Rafael hung up his phone, still smiling at it, when he heard, “Was that my daddy?”

“Yes it was,” he said. “He had to work all night but he should be home this afternoon sometime. He said to tell you he loves you. How are you this morning?” Pru hopped onto the mattress, wagging her tail, and licked his hand.

Marley climbed onto his bed and made her way over to him on her knees. “I’m otay. Guess what, Papi? I didn’t wet the bed! And no bad dreams wast night! Well, one bad dream, but nobody gotted dead.”

He smiled. “That’s amazing, princesa! You ready to get dressed for the day? I’ll get your breakfast made.”

“Otay. Tan I have a smoothie?”

“Sure. Go get dressed.” He watched her head down the hall, Pru trotting behind her, then shut his bedroom door. Pulling out his most comfortable jeans, he tossed them and a pair of socks onto the bed before opening his underwear drawer. He was going to pull out his regular black boxer-briefs, but he suddenly thought of Sonny. He’d been working for twenty-four hours now, tracking down a serial rapist. Rafael knew he had to be exhausted. When he got home he’d need a nap and a decent dinner, and if it was possible, some affection. Rafael smiled to himself, knowing if there was one thing in this world he excelled at, it was making Sonny feel good. He took pride in that, in his ability to bring Sonny happiness and pleasure. He dug through his drawer, finally coming up with the lace violet bikinis that Sonny had bought for him last Christmas. They were Sonny’s favorites, and today Sonny deserved them. Stripping off his boxers, Rafael slid on the bikinis, then pulled on the jeans. He felt ready for the day, indeed.

***

They were standing outside of Marley’s prekindergarten classroom. She’d stopped, unable to go any further yet, so Rafael eased her backpack off and hung it up on her rack. “Ready now?” he asked, but she didn’t move.

“Are they playin’ in there?” she asked.

He peered through the window. “Uh, yeah. They’re playing at the centers. Britney’s with the dolls. Lincoln is...um, where is he? Oh, there he is...he’s with the puzzles. It looks like there’s room there with him. Wanna go?”

She shook her head. “Did you tell Tallie what happened to us?”

“Yep. Sure did. Remember, I told you she said she was so sorry that happened and she hoped you’d come back very soon?”

“Yeah.” She tapped her toe on the floor nervously. “I dunno if I tan do it, Papi. This is very very hard.”

He sighed, then bent down to her level. “I know it is. I know it’s probably the hardest thing you’ve ever done. It’s really hard for me too. But I know we can do this, princesa. I know we can.”

She sniffled. “I want to, Papi. I’m just stared.”

He nodded. “I know. Me too.”

The door opened suddenly and Marlene’s teacher, Callie, appeared. “Well hello!” she said, quiet but enthusiastically. “I have missed you very much, Marlene Barba-Carisi! Could I get a hug?”

Marley broke into a grin and nodded before running to Callie and throwing her arms around her waist. “I misseded you too Tallie! So much!”

“I’m so glad you’re here!” Callie told her, squeezing her tight. “Are you ready to come in?”

Marley pulled back a bit, and the smile disappeared from her face. “She’s a bit nervous,” Rafael said, clearing his throat. “What do you think, mija?”

Marley turned to face him. “Tan I tall you if I get too stared? Please, Papi?”

“Yes, baby. You can.” He looked at Callie. “Is that okay?”

She shrugged. “Fine by me. I’m just so glad you’re back, sweetheart! Why don’t you give your papi a kiss goodbye and we’ll go in? He’ll be back in a little while.”

Rafael smiled as warmly as he could and hugged her tight, wishing his hug could say everything he needed it to. That she was safe, that they would both be fine. That he loved her tremendously. “Promise, Papi?” she whispered in his ear. “Promise you’ll tome back?”

He pulled back so he could look in her eyes. “I promise, Marley. I will see you at the end of school today.”

They both nodded at each other, then she squeezed his hand. “You’re gonna be otay, Papi,” she said. “I’ll see you soon.” She followed Callie into the classroom and they closed the door.

Rafael left the school and took the shortcut through the park. He went straight home without running errands or stopping for coffee. Instead, he entered the apartment and locked the door behind him. Pru’s ears perked up when she heard him, and she followed him into the bedroom, climbing up on the mattress next to him. He reached out to pet her, and she licked his hand.

And then he cried.

***

He woke up to Sonny’s lips gently ghosting over his own, and his husband’s bare chest leaning over him. “Hey,” he murmured, wrapping an arm around Sonny. “You’re sexy.”

“Hmm,” Sonny chuckled, moving his mouth to Rafael’s neck. “You don’t have to get some of what I’m giving. I was just letting you know I was here in case, you know, you wanted to stick that thing somewhere.”

He suddenly realized the obvious as Sonny’s hand ran over his erection. What the hell? It had to be close to noon. He’d already been up and taken his daughter to preschool. This was not his typical morning wood. 

“Nice panties,” Sonny continued, now smirking as he ran a finger under the elastic band. “They really do highlight your perfect ass.” He circled a nipple with his fingers, then slipped a hand under Rafael’s henley. “You okay? You’re awfully quiet considering.”

He snorted. “I’m trying to figure out where this damn hard-on came from…” And suddenly it hit him like a truck. Like a big purple polka-dotted MAC truck barreling down a suburban street.

Sonny’s fingers were tweaking his nipple. “And?”

Rafael sighed. “It’s my dreams. They’re ridiculous. I told Jim to stay out of them, and boy did he.” He rubbed his face. “I wish I could say this dream was less disturbing.”

Sonny stopped kissing his neck and looked at him. “So who were you getting it on with, anyway?”

Rafael scrunched his face, looking pained. “Carmen and John Buchanan? In the conference room, on the table.” He covered his eyes with his hand. “There was a lot of nakedness.”

Sonny stared at him briefly, then burst into laughter. “I'm so curious as to who did what here.” He cupped Rafael’s face and kissed him deeply then, continuing to stroke his cock. “But it’s okay with me if you save the storytelling for another time...we have to pick up our little one later, and I’d really like you to fuck me before it’s time to leave.”

“Hmm,” Rafael responded, “you’d really like that, huh?”

Sonny tugged Rafael’s shirt off, tossing it over the bed. “I would.”

Reaching between them, Rafael took Sonny’s cock into his hand. “Then I guess I better get to work.”

***

  
  


Rafael always hoped that he made Sonny feel as good as he felt when they made love. Something about Sonny Carisi had always lit him on fire in a way nobody else had. He couldn’t put it into words. It wasn’t just sexual arousal, nor was it solely emotional connection. Sonny matched him on every plane, challenged him in ways other people hadn’t or couldn’t, made him accountable to himself. Sonny was like a magnifier; everything Rafael thought he could be, Sonny made him better. And Sonny believed in him more than Rafael believed in himself. Rafael not only loved his husband, he respected him, and respect wasn’t something easily handed over by a Barba.

Rafael was nipping his husband’s ear as he thrust steadily inside of him. He knew exactly what Sonny liked, what turned him on. He slowed his thrusting and rolled his hips, then bit his shoulder. “Fuck, Rafael,” Sonny moaned loudly. “Jesus, feels so fucking good.”

“Mmhmm.” Rafael raised his face to look at Sonny, then thrust hard and deep. Sonny gasped and pushed back, and Rafael chuckled. “You’re such a slut for it, aren’t you?”

“For you? Fuck yes,” Sonny groaned. “Are you gonna get on with it? I wanna come before you have to leave…” At Rafael’s thrust of his hips, deep and quick, he groaned again. “Ah yes...please give it to me, baby...just like that...God!”

Rafael pulled himself up, changing the angle, and began to thrust quickly, determined to get his husband there quickly. “You like that?” he gasped as he pounded into Sonny. “Fuck, I know you do. Such a little slut, love my cock. You’re gonna come on my dick, aren’t you, soleado? Come on.”

Sonny pumped his own cock in rhythm with Rafael. “Love it as much as you do. Jesus, we’re good at this together.” He heard Rafael laugh in between the heavy breathing, and he laughed himself, feeling high. “I’m gonna come. Are you there? Fuck, Rafi...God, you always feel so damn good…”

Rafael wondered if everyone talked this much during sex, or if it was just something they excelled at. “Come on, sexy...let it go...yes! There you are,” he gasped, watching Sonny ejaculate, “Look at you, beautiful, Sonny...God, that’s perfect…” Sonny groaned in pleasure as Rafael urged him on, then climaxed himself. “God, baby, yes!” he cried, coming deep inside of his husband.

“Rafi, fuck…” Sonny pulled Rafael’s head down to his and kissed him fully. “You’re such a sexy fuck. I love you, baby.” 

“Your mouth is filthy,” Rafael teased, then pulled back, noting the cum on both of their chests. “And now we’re both as filthy as your mouth.” He pulled out slowly. “I need to grab a shower so I can go get Marley--”

“You’ve got time to make out with me.” Sonny pushed his lip out in a pout. “Come on, baby, stay here...it feels like we haven’t had any time together lately.”

Rafael checked the clock, then nipped Sonny’s bottom lip before laying down next to him. He rested a hand on Sonny’s chest and began to rub in whatever cum he came across. “I’ve missed you,” he sighed. “I miss you whenever you’re not here.”

“Hmm.” Sonny leaned over and kissed him again. “It’s been a rough few weeks, both at work and here. I’ve missed both of you. This case I just came off of...you know, I always disliked cases with kids in them, but since we became dads...they just leave such a horrible taste in my mouth. I can understand the temptation to get out.” He paused. “But if I don’t stay, who will? Know what I mean? I’m not done yet, I guess.”

Rafael shook his head. “No, you’re not. Believe me, honey, I know it’s going to be a difficult change for both of us if I leave. But maybe it’ll give us the opportunity to grow and develop in other ways.” He pulled Sonny’s hand to his lips and kissed it. “You are an incredible detective, and a brilliant man. I know whatever you do, you’ll do it with your whole heart, and do it well.”

“Rafi,” Sonny sighed, snuggling closer, “I love you.”

“Te amo, mi amor,” Rafael whispered to him, kissing his head softly. “Such a good man.”

***

“Hey there!” Rafael gasped, approaching the classroom door as quickly as he could. He couldn’t believe he was late today, of all days. Marley was bound to be upset. “Hi, Callie. Sorry I’m late.”

The teacher laughed. “Oh, you’re fine.” He could see there were children still leaving, and he stepped inside the room. He could see Marlene sitting in the book area with Lincoln, talking animatedly. Not a tear in sight, he noted, and smiled. 

He turned back to Callie. “She do okay today?” he asked. “I wasn’t sure how it would go.”

“Overall, she did great,” Callie told him. “Although we did try to call you a little bit ago, and it went to voicemail. She just wanted to check in, but she handled it really well--she said something about her daddy was supposed to come home from work, and maybe you were taking care of him?”

Rafael hoped he wasn’t blushing like he thought he was. “Yeah, he’d been on a longer assignment.”

“Well, she was so cute. She said, ‘Well, I will give him another chance, and I won’t worry unless he doesn’t show up to get me. Then we might have to call somebody.’” Callie laughed lightly. “She’s such a little adult.”

He forced a laugh, even though he wasn’t sure he thought it was funny. “I guess I’ll grab her now.” He turned around just as Marley grabbed his hand.

“Papi!” she said excitedly, and he bent down to kiss her cheek. Her brow suddenly furrowed. “We tried to tall you and you didn’t get your phone! That’s irreponsuh, uh, irrepon...uh, that’s not good!” she scolded him, and he found his smile now to be authentic. 

“You’re right, mija, that was irresponsible on my part. But Daddy came home and so I was helping him get settled, and that’s why I didn’t hear the phone.”

“See?” Marley said to Callie excitedly. “I was wight! My daddy is home an’ Papi was helpin’ him!” Turning back to Rafael, she asked, “Tan we go home now so I tan see my daddy? Or is he gonna be asleep?”

“He’ll probably be asleep for awhile, but maybe he’ll get up and have some dinner with us.” Holding his hand out, he asked, “Ready to go?”

She nodded. “Wet me grab my backpack, otay?” She skipped over and swung it over her shoulder, then came back and took his hand. “Otay Papi! Wet’s go. Bye Tallie! See you tomorrow!”

Tomorrow, he thought. She’s excited to come back tomorrow. She led him down the hallway and out the front door, and for once, it felt like a regular afternoon.

And he’d never been more thankful.


	11. The Levity of Trauma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She nodded, writing in her notebook as he talked. His hands were sweating and he rubbed them on his jeans. “Have you ever had disturbing dreams before?”
> 
> He thought for a minute. “Yeah, I have. On occasion. But nothing like this...nothing this repetitive and violent and...disruptive.” He shook his head. “In the last couple weeks I’ve woken up covered in sweat and shaking more times than I can count. I’ve sobbed in my sleep and scared my husband. I’ve woken up screaming because of this--”
> 
> “Of course you have,” Renata replied. “You’re traumatized, Rafael. And that is what trauma does to people.” 
> 
> ****  
> A visit to a therapist leads Rafael to a visit with his bestie Liv, which leads to an exhausted Sonny catching some z's while his four-year old roams the house unsupervised, which results in a late night bath for the dog and mild trauma for both of Marlene's dads.
> 
> ****  
> TW: suicide; gory-ish dream descriptions

“Rafael Barba? It’s nice to meet you.” Renata Elkins held out her hand to him, and he shook it firmly. She was a short, heavyset woman with shoulder-length gray hair and loose, flowing clothing. She had several large rings on, as well as a variety of necklaces of differing lengths. Her glasses were purple and cat-eyed shape, and he couldn’t help but wonder if Marley would have been enchanted with her.

“Good to meet you, Ms. Elkins,” he replied, following her through the doorway and down the hall to her office.

“Please, call me Renata.” She motioned for him to come into her office. “Take a seat wherever you’re most comfortable.”

Rafael took a quick glance around the room and settled on the loveseat, which seemed to be the most client-appropriate seat in the room. Renata settled into a large and roomy stuffed chair catacorner from him. She laid a notebook in her lap and had a pen tucked behind her ear. “So, Mr. Barba, what would you prefer I call you?”

He smiled, trying to quell the nerves in his stomach. “Rafael is fine.”

She smiled. “Very good. Rafael, why don’t we start with why you’re here today. What led you to make an appointment with me?”

He sighed. “Well, I’m an assistant district attorney here in Manhattan. A few weeks ago, I had to go into work to meet with a defendant and his attorney to settle a plea deal. My husband had planned to have a special day with our daughter--she’s four--but he got called into work, so I had to take her with me. Well, the defendant showed up with a gun and ended up committing suicide in the outer portion of my office. My daughter was inside of my office and didn’t see anything, thank God, but we both have really had a rough time dealing with it.” He paused, unsure of what else to add. “That’s the gist, anyway.”

Renata was still looking at him, and he felt anxious. “That must have been frightening, especially with your daughter there.”

“Yes,” he agreed. “She was my whole focus the entire time...thinking about how to keep him from finding out she was there. He didn’t see her when he came in, and my paralegal, thank God she was quick...she locked Marlene in the inner office immediately.” He shook his head, tears in his eyes already. “I, uh, I keep having nightmares that he gets to her. I’ve had ones that he kills me, which are scary, but nothing like when he murders my daughter in front of me. And I don’t know how to stop them. I haven’t had one in a few days, but I don’t know if they’ll start back up.”

She nodded, writing in her notebook as he talked. His hands were sweating and he rubbed them on his jeans. “Have you ever had disturbing dreams before?”

He thought for a minute. “Yeah, I have. On occasion. But nothing like this...nothing this repetitive and violent and...disruptive.” He shook his head. “In the last couple weeks I’ve woken up covered in sweat and shaking more times than I can count. I’ve sobbed in my sleep and scared my husband. I’ve woken up screaming because of this--”

“Of course you have,” Renata replied. “You’re traumatized, Rafael. And that is what trauma does to people.” 

Her statement hit him hard. “So you’re telling me this is normal?”

“For someone who’s been through what you have? Yes. Absolutely. Especially if you’ve experienced trauma before.” She lay her pen down. “Have you experienced trauma before, Rafael? That includes any highly stressful or life-threatening event...anything that shatters your sense of security.”

He snorted. “Well, who hasn’t experienced that? Isn’t that called life?”

She cocked her head and smiled at him. “Touche. So how have you been traumatized?”

“I wouldn’t call it that,” he said stubbornly. “But yeah, everyone has...stuff…”

“And you’ve had dreams like this before about what?”

_ This one, she’s like a dog with a bone, _ he thought, before sighing frustratedly again. “My father,” he admitted. “Other things too, but primarily him. He was, ahm...he was an alcoholic and could be physically and verbally abusive.”

Renata nodded. “I’m speaking in hypotheticals here, because we don’t know each other yet, but when a child grows up in an environment with recurring trauma--we call that chronic trauma--then it’s quite likely that child will experience a variety of responses that can be troubling. We call those responses Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Those responses are a way that the brain protects itself, to survive in a world it views as dangerous. If a child with PTSD then grows into an adult who experiences a traumatic event, it becomes very likely that the mind’s response may be overwhelming in an effort to protect the person. Does that make sense?”

He sighed, feeling defeated. “So you’re telling me this is yet another thing I can thank my father for?”

She smiled sympathetically. “I don’t know your father, but if he was as much of a trauma-sharer as you’re describing, it’s quite likely.”

“So what do I do?” he asked. “I don’t want to live like this the rest of my life. I don’t want to be afraid when my daughter walks out the door, or when I go to work, or when my husband does his thing. I don’t want to live in fear.”

She leaned forward. “You come to therapy. We’ll take the pressure off your subconscious brain--the part causing these dreams and base reactions--and work with your conscious brain to solve some of these issues, to help you feel more in control again. You’re in the right place, Rafael.”

He shook his head. “I hope so.”

***

“You’re in the right place, Rafa.”

Liv was sipping on her cabernet while he was trying not to gulp down his scotch as they sat on her couch. It was ten in the evening. She had called him earlier, inviting him over “just to catch up”, and he had been itching to go ever since. He’d even put Marley to bed a little earlier, hoping she’d be deep in sleep before he left; he knew if she wasn’t, she would melt down if he tried to leave. He fiddled around the apartment anxiously, waiting for Sonny, until his husband finally opened the door around nine. Upon hearing of Liv’s invitation, Sonny immediately kissed Rafael and urged him out the door. They both knew he needed some time with his friend.

“That’s what the therapist said,” he told her, taking a nice sized gulp of the scotch in his glass. “I told her I hoped so. And I do, because this therapy shit is expensive.” Seeing Liv’s eyes narrow the way he intended made him feel satisfied. “Don’t make faces at me, Olivia. We’re paying for me, plus Marlene, plus she’ll be starting speech therapy at the beginning of the new school year--”

“The school covers that, Rafa, and you know it. Unfortunately, I don’t know a way to get out of paying a copay on your insurance, but since you and I both have the same type of insurance, I do happen to know your copay isn’t unreasonable. Plus you can submit it to the city for reimbursement, since this happened on the job.”

“You just have an answer for everything, don’t you?” he bit back, and she smiled.

“Of course I do. That’s why you love me.” Olivia took a sip of wine, then put her glass down. “How are you really doing? And Marlene...how is she?” She shook her head. “I can’t imagine how this has impacted her, and impacted you as a parent. I’ve tried to imagine what it would be like, but I can’t. Even when Sheila took Noah last winter, I never thought she’d hurt him.”

He was quiet for a long minute, staring into his glass. Liv gave him time. She had learned that if she didn’t rush him, it was worth it.

“I have these dreams,” he started, then cleared his throat and put down the glass. “At first it was Jim Holmes coming back and threatening me, sometimes shooting me, but always telling me I was a terrible father for endangering my kid. Telling me I don’t deserve her, and I’m going to lose her.” He sniffed, and she couldn’t tell if he was congested or tearing up. “Then they started morphing into more violent stuff. Stuff where he killed Marley in front of me. Where he’d pull her out and she’d beg for her life. She’d almost get to me and boom, the gun would go off and she’d be dead in my arms. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve woken up in the last few weeks from these dreams. Sweating, disoriented...screaming, even.” He paused, running his finger along the rim of the glass. “Renata--that’s the therapist--she said today it’s probably worse because of my history, my childhood. You probably already know, but I guess this stuff compounds itself.” He shook his head. “Sometimes I feel like I’m going to be bound to Miguel Barba forever, no matter what I do.” 

“You know, I used to feel that way about my mother,” Liv said, taking another sip of her wine. “But over time, I’ve learned that I can heal and let some of the really awful stuff go, and stay connected through the good things she gave me. Sometimes I have to stay focused on the good stuff, because otherwise I’d lose my goddamn mind. For example, my mom was always very generous in giving to people less fortunate. She was also ridiculously vindictive and would take stuff she gave to me and break it in front of me. So I just try to focus on always, always being generous and kind, and never taking back anything I’ve given to someone. I feel like I can live with our connection, being part of her, if I keep the good and change the parts I can’t stand, you know?”

“Yeah, maybe.” He took another sip. “Can I ask you something? Something that’s come up in my dreams?”

Liv’s smile stretched into a lazy grin. “Dreaming about me, Barba? I’m flattered.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Considering I just told you the nature of my dreams of late, I’m not sure flattery is what you should be feeling.”

She laughed, and he felt himself smile. Her laughter always relaxed him. “I’m feeling like I’m at a crossroads right now...like it’s time for some changes. This...incident...it’s made me think long and hard about my relationship with Marlene, and if I’m really doing as good of a job with her as I could and should be doing--”

“Rafael,” Liv interrupted, “you cannot blame yourself for this. This was completely beyond your control, and from what I’ve heard, you all handled it incredibly well--”

“It’s more than that,” he interrupted back, and he watched as she pursed her lips and sat back against the couch. “I’ve missed important things, Olivia. Things we can’t get back. I missed her first steps, holidays, special events...Sonny and I even missed her preschool graduation.”

Now Liv raised an eyebrow. “As a mother of a soon to be second grader, I just feel the need to remind you that if you wait six weeks, your child will be ‘graduating’ from something else.”

“I understand that society’s overuse of graduations is laughable,” he said, “but the point here is that it upset Marley that we weren’t there. It was important to  _ her. _ And don’t tell me if you had to miss something that was important to Noah, it wouldn’t bother you.”

Liv sighed. “You’re right. It would. I have missed things and it bothers me every time. But I’m a single mom doing my best, Rafael, and I think it’s important for kids to understand that.”

“I agree.” He leaned forward. “But what if I can do better? What if Sonny and I can shift things around and make it so that I can be there more often? If that was a possibility for you, would you do that? For Noah?”

She bit her lip for a second, then nodded. “I would. You’re right, I would. And you should too. If that’s what you want, if that’s what is best for your family, then you absolutely should. And you know I’ll support you a hundred percent, Rafa.” She smiled at him, then rested a hand on his knee. “I love you. You and Sonny and Marley are like family to me and Noah. Whatever you all do, you know I’ll help however I can to ease the changes.”

He smiled back, and thought about how very much he loved her. If he had been born different, had a heterosexual bone in his body, Olivia Benson would have been a hard one to resist. “I love you too, Livvy. We all do.” He took her hand in his and squeezed it firmly. “Your friendship is absolutely one of the best things that has come out of working with Manhattan SVU for me.”

She chuckled. “Don’t forget the hubs. He might be upset.”

Rafael grinned. “Yeah, there’s him, too, I guess.” Then his grin dropped to a more serious expression. “This whole thing has been hard for all of us. Marlene’s struggling with it, and she and I have been pretty attached to one another because of it, and Sonny’s felt that shift. He’s been cut out, more than once, and he knows it.” He shook his head. “I hate it when my husband is hurting, especially if it’s because of me.”

“You’re very human, Rafa,” Liv said with a gentle smile. “This has been hell for all of you. Give yourself time. It’ll get better, I promise.” She reached over and squeezed his hand. “I can tell you, without a doubt, you are absolutely a great dad and husband. From everything I see and hear and know, you are a good man and a terrific friend. One of the best men I’ve ever known. Don’t sell yourself short.”

***

It had been awhile since he’d been tipsy, and he was enjoying the feeling as he made his way up to the apartment. He wondered what Sonny was up to, and if he’d feel like fooling around. His mind wandered to the afternoon before, when they’d made love, and he let himself fantasize about ending this day with Sonny on his knees. Now that would be a great way to say goodnight, he thought as he unlocked the door and went inside.

The apartment was quiet despite several lamps being on throughout. He meandered back to the bedroom, semi-fantasizing about Sonny and deepthroating, and allowed his hand to cup himself through his jeans. He almost stumbled on his feet, but righted himself just as he crossed the threshold of their bedroom.

“Hi Papi.” Marley was sitting in the middle of their bed, Pru next to her. Knuffle Bunny was in her lap, and she was drinking from Sonny’s massive University of Fordham plastic tumbler. 

“Hello, princesa,” he replied, kicking his shoes off. “What are you doing in here and where is your daddy?”

“Oh, he fell asleep in my bedroom. I wakeded up and you weren’t here, so I got worried an’ I started to try. So Daddy tame in and way down on my beanie bag to help me go to sleep, but he falled asleep instead. Me an’ Pru weren’t tired so we got up and tame in here. We’re watchin’ Chopped Tids. Wanna watch with us?”

“Not really,” he said, looking at her skeptically. “You should be in bed asleep. And what are you drinking?”

She looked in her cup. “Ice tream. And chocolate syrup. Also some whipped tream ‘tause there was woom.” She grinned at him. “Daddy always says to add whipped tream if there’s woom!” He watched as she took a long drink from the cup and wiped her mouth on the back of her arm. “I was hungry. I’m a growin’ girl.”

He couldn’t help the smirk on his face at that. “All right, you hard partiers. Time to go to bed.” He picked her up and stood her on the floor, taking the cup away from her. Pru jumped down to follow them. “Go brush your teeth and then I’ll tuck you in and get Daddy out of there.” He peered in the cup, then took a drink and nearly choked on the sugary, syrupy melted mess. He made a face.

Marley flashed a toothy smile at him. “Good, huh?”

“Go brush your teeth.” Following his daughter to the bathroom, he happened to glance down at her buddy and noticed Pru had something purple around one of her paws, and her body looked particularly shiny. “What the…” he said to himself, before calling, “Marley!”

He bent down, thinking at first the dog had a hair tie around her paw, and he was ready to scold his daughter, until he pulled off a purple flexible cock ring, one of a set Sonny had given him for Valentine’s Day. And if the dog had a cock ring around her paw, he was willing to bet the shiny stuff she was covered in had to be…

“Yeah, Papi?” Marley was brushing her teeth in the hallway, but visibly slowed when she saw him holding the purple ring. “Pru wanted a bracelet! She wiked that one, that’s all!”

He bent down, not sure whether to laugh or cry. “Marlene Elizabeth, you know you are not supposed to go in Daddy and Papi’s private drawers.”

“But Papi! Your bracelet’s too small for you an’ Daddy but it’s perfect for Pru! She wiked it ‘tause it’s a pretty purple tolor! I know you wike purple too, but it’s too small for your arm, isn’t it? Tan’t Pru have it since it doesn’t fit? Please?”

He was trying to look as stern as he could. “And why is Juris Prudence shiny, Marlene?”

“I just seed the wotion in there and thinked in my brain that she’d wike it.” She looked appropriately sorry. “I won’t do it again, Papi. I sorry. But tan she teep the bracelet?”

“No, honey,” he said, hoping this wasn’t going to erupt into an argument. “The... _ bracelet _ belongs to me and Daddy.”

Just then Sonny emerged from Marley’s bedroom, rubbing his eyes. “What’s going on, guys?” he asked before bumping Rafael’s shoulder. “Hey, you’re home!”

“Yeah, I’m home!” Rafael said in a faux-cheery voice. “Look at Pru’s new bracelet that your daughter found while you were sleeping!”

Sonny took it from him, initially squinting, before a look of horror took over his face. “Oh shit,” he said, covering his mouth.

“I said sorry, Daddy,” Marley told him. “I weally, weally am. Pru just wikes pretty bracelets too!”

Rafael elbowed Sonny back. “You get to wash the ‘lotion’ off the dog.” Sonny’s eyes grew even larger as he looked at Pru and realized her current condition. “Oh, and Son? I’m pretty sure it’s not the water based...uh,  _ lotion. _ So have fun with that.” He bit back a laugh at Sonny’s continued horrified expression and turned to Marlene. “Okay, rinse your mouth and it’s time to go to bed,” Rafael directed Marley as Sonny reached for the tiny pug. Pru squealed when he picked her up, and he quickly deposited her into the tub.

“Sorry, Pru baby,” Marley said sadly, watching the dog begin her bath. Turning back to Rafael, she said, “I tried to give her your doggy toys in there but she didn’t want ‘em. Probably ‘tause they shake when you turn ‘em on.”

Rafael and Sonny looked at each other. “It’s true,” Rafael said faintly, “we can survive anything life throws at us. This proves it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and thank you for reading!
> 
> All I can say is those two should have locked that drawer a long time ago. They knew they had a nosy, inquisitive child with no boundaries.
> 
> We are winding up this particular arc. I have truly loved writing this and having interaction with everyone who has commented, and I thank you all who have left kudos as well! There should be one more chapter, but of course there will be more short fics (and possibly more longer story arcs like this one) in the future. 
> 
> I was unsure initially if I wanted to do an arc like this with this AU, but I have honestly really enjoyed it for many reasons--being able to expand upon a plot line, more fully develop the characters, and get feedback from readers are just a few of the reasons! As always, if you have things that particularly interest you about this AU or that you'd like to see more of, let me know. I can't promise I will write it, but there's always the possibility it will kick something off in my mind (Lord help us all, haha!). In the meantime, thanks again for reading!


	12. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael goes back to work.
> 
> ****  
> TW: suicide (not mentioned in this chapter)

Stepping out of the uber, Rafael straightened his jacket, then headed into 1 Hogan Place.

It seemed like it had been both forever and no time at all since he had been here. It was hard to grasp that the last time he’d walked through these doors, Marley had been with him and he’d been focused on a meeting that would never happen. And the last time he’d walked out of them, he’d been irrevocably changed.

He made his way to his office, waving at several colleagues who greeted him on the way. Carmen wasn’t at her desk, but there was a small floral arrangement there, and he hoped it was the one that he and Sonny had sent her. They had opted for something small, and had attached a significant gift card. This was her first day back too.

He entered his office, laying his attache on his desk and setting his cup of coffee down, then picking up a stack of messages that had been left there. He was three messages in when he heard his name.

“Rafael Barba.” Jack McCoy didn’t make his presence known frequently, but when he did, people generally dropped what they were doing to give him their attention. “It’s good to see you back.” He extended a hand across Rafael’s desk to him, and Rafael shook it warmly. “How are you and your daughter doing?”

“Much better,” he replied, smiling with more confidence than he felt. “Glad to be back, getting into the routine of things. Marlene is back in school and seems to be much better. Thank you for asking.”

Jack nodded. “Well, I’ll leave you to it. Just wanted to stop by and see you on your first morning back. We’re glad you’re here.” He nodded once more, then turned, nearly running into Carmen. “Ms. Babcock,” he greeted her, then exited the office.

Carmen watched him leave, then turned toward Rafael, shooting him a shy smile. “Hey, boss,” she greeted quietly, and he made his way around the desk to hug her. “Good to see you.”

“You too, Carmen.” He squeezed her tightly. No matter what happened in his future, no matter where they might go, he would never be able to thank her enough for the handful of minutes she spent protecting his daughter. Pulling back, he said, “Please forgive me for not being in touch like I should have...it’s been a bit, uh, rough.”

To that statement, she laughed, and a second later he joined. “I know what you mean,” she confessed. “How is Marley? I’ve thought about her every day and worried I traumatized her even more--” Her eyes were filled with tears and he suddenly realized she felt guilty, as though it were her fault Marlene had been traumatized.

“Oh Carmen, no!” he said, leaning forward into her space. “Please, please look at me…” She tilted her head so she could see him through the bottom of her lashes. “You  _ saved  _ her. Not for a second have Sonny or I thought anything else! I know she was upset about the door being locked. I know that was traumatizing, but Carmen, what choice did you have? You did the only thing you could that would ensure my daughter stayed alive! In our home, you’re a hero. Please believe me…”

His voice faded off as she covered her face with her hands and quietly began to sob. 

Carmen had worked with him now for the better part of six years. She was the only paralegal he’d ever had who wasn’t afraid to work as many hours as he did. She’d won his respect through her work ethic and her intelligence, and over the years he’d found himself confiding in her more and more. She was one of the first people to find out when Sonny had asked Rafael to marry him. She had been the one to volunteer to cancel the baby announcements when their first adoption fell through, and had mailed the ones announcing Marlene. Now he wrapped his arms around her again, quietly reassuring her. “I will forever be grateful for you, Carmen. You helped to keep Marlene alive during one of the most dangerous moments of her life. Sonny and I can never repay that debt. You know you’re an honorary Barba-Carisi now, right? Whether you like it or not?”

He heard her choke back a laugh at that. “All right, all right,” she teased back as she sniffled. “But does Marley feel the same way?”

He smiled gently. “Marley loves you, you know that. You’ve been her best buddy ever since she could speak, right? Remember when she cried for days because I couldn’t get her hair to look like yours and I was calling you every morning in desperation? And when she told everyone at preschool she wanted to be a ‘Tarmen’ when she grew up? She’s trying to understand what happened, and she’s doing better, but she’s not completely there yet. We have her in therapy, and she’s started back to preschool. She’ll get there.”

“My poor buddy.” Carmen turned around and grabbed a couple tissues from her desk, dabbing her eyes. “This has to have been so hard on her.”

Rafael nodded. “It has been...but she and I have been helping each other through it.” He pointed toward the bouquet on her desk. “Do you like it? There’s a gift card attached. I know we can never repay you, but at least you can buy yourself something pretty.”

Carmen turned around and sank into her seat, admiring the bouquet, before opening the gift card. She sucked in her breath. “You and Sonny have lost your collective damn mind. Lord, but this will buy a LOT of pretty!”

Rafael laughed and waved it off. “Sonny was just going to buy the Jimmy Choos himself, but I thought it’d be better to let you pick out the ones you wanted.”

She snorted. “Thank you,” she said, standing again to hug him. As she pulled away, she added, “This won’t be going for shoes, I can promise you. It will be put to very good use though, I promise...I was going to wait to tell you, but I may as well tell you now. I’m pregnant.”

He sucked in his breath. “Whoa...Congratulations! Is Jeremy excited?”

She nodded. “Yes. We’re both pretty much over the moon. I’m just so thankful the stress of that day didn’t cause a miscarriage...we were lucky.”

“Oh God, Carmen,” Rafael said, rubbing his chin. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”

She shook her head. “No worse than what you’ve gone through. But here we are, back to the usual.” She smiled. “Anyway, if I had to go through it, I’m glad it was with you.”

“Here, here,” he seconded.

“Oh, by the way, this case was on my desk when I got in this morning, along with a note from your husband saying he thought you’d love the irony. It looks like you’re prosecuting a hate crime case with a sexual element? I guess the perp mugged and molested an Asian-American man? Sonny said you know him.” She handed the folder over to him. “Zhang Wei Foon?”

He took it, trying not to roll his eyes. “His son is in Marley’s preschool class. He doesn’t like us because Sonny and I are sinning against God.”

Carmen stared at him. “That must get very tiring, sinning like you do. You know, Jeremy and I have to take breaks from it. We wear out from the premarital sex and the interracial thing. Don’t you two ever want to take a break? I’m sure God’s wrath over your homosexuality is painful.”

He laughed. “You have no idea. Remind me to tell you about Juris Prudence’s new jewelry.” Looking at the clock, he said, “I’ve got a meeting over at the 16th in a few. If you could schedule a meeting with Mr. and Mrs. Foon to come in and meet, that would be terrific.” He handed the folder back to her and winked, then grabbed his unpacked attache from the top of his desk. “See you in a few hours.”

***

“Welcome back, counselor!” Amanda Rollins was quick to pat him on the shoulder, her odd version of a side-hug. “You know, your husband has been a little high-strung the last couple of weeks without you around. I’m thankful this was just a temporary separation.” She stopped at her desk and stirred her coffee. “Don’t get any big ideas about staying gone for any longer.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, Rollins,” he returned. “Speaking of which, where is--”

She pointed to Liv’s office. “They’re going over something in there. Not sure what though. They should be coming out in just a minute. We all know there’s a meeting in--” she checked her watch--”three minutes.”

“As long as I’m on time.” He nodded toward the conference table, which was covered with food. “What’s going on over there?”

“Nosy,” Fin observed, taking a seat at his desk. “Always butting into info about the snacks.”

“I’m not nosy, just curious,” Rafael defended, taking a sip of his coffee. “It takes a lot of fuel to keep a brain like this going.”

Fin stared at him for a minute. “Uh-huh.”

Just then Liv and Sonny emerged from her office, with Liv carrying a cake. “Welcome back!” she exclaimed, carrying the cake over to the rest of the food. “You made it to our little lunch meeting!”

Rafael laughed. “I guess I did. You guys didn’t need to do this. It’s so incredibly thoughtful, though.” 

They all moved to gather together, and Sonny handed him a plate. “Welcome back, counselor,” he said warmly, winking at his husband. “We’re all glad you’re back.”

“That’s the truth,” Fin said. “Whenever you’re gone, I realize why I hate lawyers.”

“You hate lawyers even when he’s here!” Rollins guffawed, and Fin shot her a death glare.

They filled their plates with bits of all the goodies on the table, then Liv had Rafael cut the cake. “We actually ordered this one,” she told him as he admired the chocolate and peanut butter beauty. “Didn’t want to risk you walking in while your husband and daughter were making it.”

He grinned. “Good plan,” he told her. Rafael loved Sonny’s baking, but he also loved high quality baked goods from a real bakery. They didn’t have them often since Sonny tended to bake whatever they needed, and Marley loved to help. So this was definitely a treat. He licked the ganache off his finger, feeling blissfully content.

As they ate and chatted, Rafael found himself feeling nostalgic. He loved these people, each of them for different reasons, and they had impacted his life in amazing ways. He knew that when he moved on, it was doubtful he would ever have this kind of relationship with coworkers again. What were the chances the next colleague he met would turn into one of his closest friends? Or the best friend of his husband? Or a guy who may not say a lot to him, but he knew he could call at the drop of a dime for help and he’d come through? 

And then there was Sonny. Bright, funny, driven, passionate, beautiful Sonny. Life would be different if they didn’t work together anymore. Sure, there were days that he wanted to strangle him and they had to purposely take time away from each other. There were times that they strongly disagreed on a case or on strategy, and they had been forced to leave it at the door, especially now that they were parents. But no matter what, their jobs had caused them to become better people, and better at their relationship. If for nothing else, Rafael would always be grateful for his time at SVU because it brought him together with Sonny. He knew he’d never love anyone else the way he loved his husband. The irony of such a beautiful, bright gift coming from such a potentially dark place was not lost on him.

As they were finishing up, Sonny leaned closer. “Just wanted to make sure we’re set for this afternoon...you’re still picking up Marley and taking her to therapy, right? And then you have your appointment after?”

Rafael nodded. “That’s right. I just need you to meet me there by 3:30. That’ll give me enough time to get to my meeting at four.”

Sonny smiled. “Good. We’re set, then.” He glanced around for a moment, then quickly leaned down and pecked Rafael’s lips. “Love you, babe.”

“Love you too,” Rafael winked. “And thanks for the cake.”

“Yeah, yeah, variety makes the world go ‘round.”

***

“And then I was sad ‘tause Wincoln didn’t wanna share with me. He said he wanted to share only with Jared today ‘tause only boys tan be towboys and I’m a girl. An’ I said I don’t wanna be no towBOY, I wanna be a towGIRL. Then Tallie said it’s otay for people to be what they want and we tould make hats since there was only one hat and we got lots of heads. I thinked that was smart, don’t you, Papi?”

They were taking an uber to Amy’s office for Marlene’s therapy, and Rafael suddenly realized just how much he’d missed this little voice all day. “I think it was brilliant, mija. So that’s how you got your hat, huh?”

She pulled the newspaper-constructed hat off her head and looked at it. “Yeah. I wike it. After Tallie helped us make them, we got to decorate ‘em. I made mine teal. That’s blue and green together. Didja know that? How was your day?” She suddenly looked concerned. “Were you stared, Papi? Nothing stary happened, did it?”

“Nothing at all,” he replied, hugging her. “It was a very good day. I had cake with Daddy and Aunt Livvy, and Auntie Amanda and Uncle Fin. And I saw your buddy Carmen!”

“You did?” she asked slowly. At his nod, she said, “I don’t know if Tarmen is my buddy anymore, Papi. She stared me and she wocked me away from you.”

He stroked her hair. “I know it scared you when Carmen wouldn’t let you out of the office. But have you thought about why she did that? It was to keep you safe. It was because that’s what I wanted her to do, so that Jim couldn’t get close to you. Do you understand?”

Marley was quiet. “I think so. I just was so stared, I just wanted my papi, and I touldn’t get you.”

“I understand, and Carmen does too. Did you know she asked me today if she had scared you? She was very worried about it. She did not want you to feel scared, or to be upset with her.”

“Well,” Marley said factually, “I was upset with her, but I think I feel better about it now. And I wike her bein’ my buddy, so yeah. Otay! Tell Tarmen we’re still buddies!”

Rafael chuckled. “She’ll be very glad to hear that, mija. Okay now, careful stepping out of the car.” They climbed out of the car and made their way into the office building.

***

“Hey,” Sonny greeted him quietly in the waiting room. 

Rafael tucked his phone into his pocket and smiled. “Find it without any problems?” 

Sonny nodded. “Yep. Is she back there now?”

“Yeah. Don’t be surprised if she comes running out here in a second. She watches the waiting room on Amy’s ipad if she gets nervous, but she also knows you’re supposed to be here in---”

“Hi Daddy!” Marley seemed to appear out of nowhere, running to wrap her arms around Sonny’s waist. “I’m so happy to see you, Daddy! Papi’s gotta weave. He’s got a meeting. But you’re gonna stay, wight?”

“I am,” he told her. “I’ll be waiting for you right here! Why don’t you go finish your therapy now, okay?”

“Otay,” Marley replied, before stepping over to Rafael and wrapping her arms around his neck. “I see you at home in a wittle while, wight Papi?”

“Yes ma’am,” he told her, hugging tightly. “Now go finish your time with Amy.”

Amy had stepped over to them and introduced herself to Sonny. “It’s nice to meet you in person,” she told him, before turning to Marley. “All right, let’s go finish our work!”

“Bye guys!” Marley called to them as she followed Amy out of the reception area.

Rafael stood once she was gone and straightened his jacket. “How do I look?” he asked Sonny nervously.

Sonny smiled, adjusting a few pieces of his husband’s hair before laying his palms on his lapels. “Very competent,” he said calmly. “Ready for whatever the world has to offer.”

Rafael blushed and smiled. “Thanks. Really, thank you.”

Sonny kissed him gently, then gave him a swift pat on the ass. “Go get ‘em, tiger.”

***

He was six minutes early.

That’s what he thought as he stood in the hallway outside of Project Innocence’s office doors. When he had called Bayard Ellis at the end of last week, he hadn’t expected an invitation to come in any time soon. Hell, he hadn’t expected an invitation to come in at all. He was hopeful the man still remembered his name. 

Okay, so maybe he knew that Bayard would remember him. He was, after all, one of the more prolific ADA’s in Manhattan, and his cases were consistently in the press. He knew that Bayard would keep tabs on all of the better attorneys in the area, to know who he was up against when his cases came to trial. They hadn’t faced each other in court, but they had met many times in professional capacities. And a few years ago, they had worked together in volunteer roles to assist the city in developing policies to protect immigrants from ICE. That had been when he’d developed a secret professional crush on the man and what he did, and Bayard had told him if he ever was interested in working together again to call. At any time. Project Innocence could always use a smart lawyer who also happened to be a compassionate man, he said, and Rafael had preened at the time from the compliment.

He opened the door and entered the reception area. It was small, with a handful of chairs and one magazine rack on the wall that held a variety of paperwork. There was a young Asian woman sitting behind a desk, typing on a computer. “Can I help you?” she asked without looking away from the screen.

“My name is Rafael Barba, and I have a four o’clock meeting with Bayard Ellis,” he said, raising one eyebrow as the phone rang.

“Excuse me,” she said, then answered the phone. “Project Innocence, Penny speaking…” A second later, Penny was speaking in what he thought might be fluent Farsi, and he found himself impressed. 

A moment later she hung up the phone and smiled at him. “I’m sorry about that, Mr. Barba. I’ll let Bayard know you’re here. Just have a seat and he’ll be right with you.” She disappeared down a hallway, and he took a seat as she had directed. A moment later he heard his name.

“Rafael!” Bayard appeared from around the corner, extending his hand. “It’s so good to see you! How’s it going?” he asked as they shook hands. Grinning, he lowered his voice slightly and asked, “How’s Olivia?” 

Rafael had learned a long time ago to expect that question from most of the law professionals he ran into, and he chuckled. “Fine. She said to tell you hello.”

“Come on back,” Bayard motioned for him to follow, and they headed down the hallway, into a small office stuffed to the brim with a sofa, chairs, and a large desk, along with several filing cabinets. Built-in bookcases lined the walls and were filled with law journals. Bayard motioned for Rafael to take a seat on the couch, so he did. “So,” Bayard said, settling into his chair behind the desk, “what brings you here, Rafael?”

That question had seemed so complex, so challenging even just a few days ago as he had sorted out where he’d been and where he was, as he had thought about the people and life that he loved and considered how and where he wanted to leave his mark. But after all of that contemplating, he found in this moment, the answer was really quite simple.

“Family.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! And thank you for reading! If you've made it this far, then you're finishing up what has been a really wonderful story arc to write for my AU. I hope you've enjoyed reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it!
> 
> If you're interested in reading more of this family, you can read any of the stories in my Barisi Dads AU. They're all with the same family at different times. Some are pre-child, some are with Marley at different ages. Some are lighthearted and fun, and others are darker or more angsty.
> 
> If you have any comments you'd like to leave, feel free to leave them here--I love them and read them all! I try to respond to all of them as well. If you'd rather leave something more private, you can DM me on twitter with the same name, Ava_now, @vagrlnok. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are really such a wonderful reward for any author, and all of the authors I know truly appreciate them. Thank you to everyone who's kudo'd and commented along this writing journey--it has been a fantastic ride!


End file.
